"I want to quit!"

If you're a Jiu-jitsu parent, I can almost guarantee that there will come a point at some time in your child's training, probably on more than one occasion, that you will hear, "I'm bored", "class is too hard", "I don't like sparring", "I don't like 'so & so' in the class", "I want to quit"....

How you handle this moment as a parent will be crucial to your child's long-term development, not only on the mat, but in life! First, let me reassure you that this is VERY normal, particularly after the first couple of months of training, once the shiny newness starts to wear off.  I don't know too many Jiu-jitsu black belts that haven't, at one time or another in their journey, considered quitting....but I'm very confident that ALL of them would also tell you today how happy they are that they didn't quit!  Jiu-jitsu, as most things worthwhile in life, is hard!  It takes a lot of dedication, and perseverance.  However, the rewards for long-term training are priceless!  

Jiu-jitsu is not simply another seasonal sport, hobby, or activity.  I view it as an essential life skill! Very much like learning to swim, it is necessary for a child's physical capacity to survive, in this chaotic and sometimes violent world.  Statistics show that MOST children, at some point in their early lives, will be involved in a confrontation, often with a larger, stronger adversary.  Often times, the confrontations can become physical & violent.  We all want our kids to stand up for themselves...but they need to be equipped with the necessary tools and strategies to know how to do that.  Without a doubt, Jiu-jitsu gives them the BEST skill set to have the physical capacity to effectively defend themselves if necessary, as well as the confidence that goes along with it, which often helps them to avoid a physical fight in the first place.  In addition, it helps kids to learn to set & achieve goals, helps them to develop positive character traits & healthy lifestyle habits, enhances their physical fitness, teaches them to stay calm and solve problems under pressure, helps them to learn to deal with adversity, and develops physical & mental toughness--all very important traits that will serve them well throughout life! And the beauty is, while it does take consistency & commitment, all of this can be achieved in only a couple of hours each week.

So how do you deal with the days when they don't feel like going to class?  I imagine that there may be some days when they don't feel like going to school also right?  What do you tell them then? If you believe, as I do, that training Jiu-jitsu is critically important for their long-term overall development, then I would encourage you to have a conversation with them to help them understand the importance of what they're doing for the future and help them to see some of the long term benefits of continued training.  It's a good time to also emphasize the importance of commitment.  Teaching them not to just quit at the first sign of distraction or when things get a little bit tough will help to give them a sense of persistence & dedication towards reaching their goals, which will set them apart from their peers and help them to be more successful at everything they do in life!  Once they understand that, like school, this is important for their overall development and success in life, and therefore it's not optional, there is usually less of a fight about going to class.  And I promise you, one day, they will thank you for not letting them quit!

I would like to share with you a quote that I posted recently from my good friend and instructor Crosley Gracie, as he says it probably better than I can:

"As parents, we are 100% responsible for the options our kids are exposed to growing up, from nutrition to hobbies to obligations and responsibilities. When parents say they wish their kids had stuck with training Jiu-jitsu, the obvious question is "but why did you let them quit?

It has nothing to do with 'forcing them to do something they don't want to do'.....Allowing them to make decisions that they aren't yet educated to understand what's beneficial to them and what is not is the problem here. That's when we come in as the more educated figures in the household. It doesn't matter if they don't understand why they must do something; what matters is that WE do and are looking out for their benefit. Often that means, 'yes, you are going to do this (or not going to do this), regardless of your feelings, because it is what's best for you, and one day, you'll understand why.

Responsible parenting is making the right choices for our children, enforcing them consistently, and leading by example, regardless of how they'll feel towards us at the moment, for a greater, long-term result."

-Crosley Gracie

Usually, the kids always have a great time when they're on the mat.  The struggle is just getting them through the door.  If you're still running into resistance, here's a link to another article that will give you some helpful strategies for dealing with this situation:

"But Dad, I Don't Want to Go to Jiu-jitsu!"

Finally, here's a short video, made by some good friends of mine, the Valente brothers, who run a very well known academy in Miami on exactly this topic.  Hopefully you will find it helpful:

"Jiu-jitsu Moms & Dads"

Getting your child into Jiu-jitsu, and keeping them attending consistently is, in my opinion, one of the greatest gifts you can give them for their overall long-term development, and set them up for success in life.  It takes time, effort, and financial commitment, but you are investing in your child's future.  The rewards for long-term, consistent training are life changing and infinite!

 

So, You Wanna Be a Black Belt?

So, you wanna be a black belt?  Or maybe you haven't even really thought about it?  Maybe you just started training, and you're just trying to wrap your head around the new guard pass you just learned, or how to stand up in base, and trying to make it all make sense.  Black belt is so far away it's not even realistically on your radar yet....but why not?  You're gonna be somewhere 10 years from now...why not be a black belt in Jiu-jitsu?  

If you're just starting on the path, yes, black belt is a long way away.  But it is definitely achievable.  So, if you're serious about your Jiu-jitsu training, make it a goal.  It is a long term goal for sure, but it should be a goal.  So how do you get there?  The very first step is to commit to it.  Set the goal, write it down if you have to, and decide TODAY that you will achieve it.  The timeline doesn't matter.  It may take you 10 years, it may take you 25 years.  Don't get too hung up on the details.  Life is still gonna happen.  Things are going to come up that may interfere from you training as consistently as you want.  There may be things that pull you away from the mat temporarily.  Try to avoid extended breaks, but just make sure you make it back to the mat as soon as possible when these things inevitably happen.  Pace yourself.  It's YOUR journey, not anyone else's.  But the biggest thing you have to do is commit to yourself that you're gonna stick with it and achieve that goal.  And if you truly believe in it and commit yourself to it, you absolutely can accomplish it.  It is a long road, but like any journey you take it one step at a time.  Your progress may seem slow or even non-existent at times.  Stick with it.  You are learning, you are improving, you are getting better, even on the days you don't think so.  Show up, even on the days you don't feel like it.....ESPECIALLY on those days.  You're gonna have good days and bad days on the mat.  Everyone does.  That's the nature of Jiu-jitsu.   But if you want to get to black belt, the one thing you CAN'T do is quit....and MOST people quit, long before then.  Jiu-jitsu is hard, and to get to that level takes a very long time, and a lot of commitment, dedication, and discipline.  That's why there aren't that many black belts.  So decide for yourself TODAY, and make the commitment that you will still be standing there after many of your former teammates have long since given up on their Jiu-jitsu journey.   

So, if you want to be a black belt, what then, IS a black belt?  What does it really mean to be a black belt in Jiu-jitsu.  It has often been said, a black belt is just a white belt that never stopped training.  There is a lot of truth to that statement.  If you just keep showing up, eventually, slowly, over time, the belt colors change, and one day if you stick with it, you will see that black belt wrapped around your waist.  Realistically, it's hard to really understand what it really means until you've worn it for a while.  Helio Gracie said that black belt is the best place to start learning Jiu-jitsu!  What???  Just start learning???  Yep....most definitely! I've been a black belt for over a decade now, and I can confidently say that I have learned more about Jiu-jitsu since earning my black belt than I did in all of my time at the lower ranks.  Obviously, there is a certain objective level of skill that goes with being awarded the black belt.  But, essentially, black belt just means that you're now a serious student.  You've made a commitment to Jiu-jitsu, not just as something that you do, but it is now part of who you are.  You have decided to embrace Jiu-jitsu as part of your lifestyle.  That means committing yourself not only to consistently training and improving yourself on the mat, but also striving to improve yourself in ALL aspects of your life off of the mat as well.  As a black belt, you are now a representative of Jiu-jitsu, of your academy, of your instructor, of your team....but most importantly, you represent YOURSELF.   Have the humility to know that you don't know it all, you can still learn from everyone, and embrace the opportunity to constantly continue to challenge yourself and look for ways to improve in every aspect of your life....from your diet, your exercise routine, your Jiu-jitsu training, your work, your personal relationships with your family and friends, and how you treat others and interact with the world around you.  Be a black belt at LIFE!

Black belt certainly doesn't mean you've arrived, that you know everything, that you'll never tap again, that you'll "win" every round on the mat.  Quite the contrary.  As with many things in life, the more you learn, the more you realize how much you don't know.  Black belt is the time to take the opportunity to re-learn all of the things you learned at the lower ranks, but at a much deeper level of understanding.  The best part about black belt is, you no longer have to worry about promotions, so you can really just focus on training and learning.  

It has been said, the black belts are not who's best, but who's left.  So, the question to ask yourself is, will you be one of those few that are left?  It's up to you.  It is your choice.  But you can decide today, and if you commit to it, you surely can be!

Stay the Course!

 I'm often asked, "what is the #1 piece of advice you would give to your Jiu-jitsu students"?  

Simple.....don't quit!

Jiu-jitsu is hard...there's no way around it.  But for those who embrace it is a lifestyle & a lifelong practice, the rewards are immense & invaluable!  It is said often, and it's very true that Jiu-jitsu is a marathon, not a sprint.  You have to pace yourself, and run your own race.  You are on your OWN path, not anyone else's.  And, you have to be realistic & reasonable with your expectations.  But, if you want to really gain the full benefit of Jiu-jitsu, it takes years of dedicated study & practice, and there really is no end point for the serious practitioner.  It takes commitment!

Now, maybe you're just getting started on your Jiu-jitsu journey....everything is fresh, new, & you couldn't be more excited each time you step on the mat to add just one more piece to the puzzle.  That's great! Keep it up!  But, you should prepare yourself now for the inevitable realization that there will come a day when you will want to consider quitting.  I don't know too many Jiu-jitsu black belts that didn't at least consider quitting at some point.  It happens to MOST people at some point along their journey.  So, just like learning how to defend against an armbar or choke, if you recognize the signs early and have a plan to deal with it, it is much easier to survive it!

Maybe you've been training for a few months, or even have invested a few years already.  You're finding it harder & harder to find the motivation to get to class, and easier & easier to find excuses for skipping training.  You may be overwhelmed and think to yourself, "maybe this just isn't for me".  If you are at that point (and it may happen multiple times along your path) where you're considering hanging up the gi....remember why you started.  There was a reason that you first stepped onto the mat.  If you quit now, you're giving up on those goals & all the progress that you've made so far.  Remember your first class, and how awesome it was! Even if you've been training only a few months, you would have given almost anything when you first walked onto the mat to be where you're at RIGHT NOW!  Ask yourself, "am I better now than when I started? Than I was six months ago? A year ago?" Obviously, the answer is YES!  You may not see it, but you've already made a LOT of progress.  Are you really willing to give it up and have done all of that for nothing?  Don't compare yourself to others....remember you're on your own path. Just stay the course & keep pushing forward, and you'll be amazed at the results that consistent long-term training will have.

Maybe you think you're "good enough".  Remember, there is no endpoint in Jiu-jitsu.  No matter where you're at on the path or how long you've been training, there is ALWAYS more to learn & room for improvement.  Everything that we practice are perishable skills, and if they are not continually reviewed to keep "sharpening the sword" they will not be there when you need them. The true beauty of Jiu-jitsu training is not achieving some arbitrary goal, winning some competition, or achieving some belt rank. There is no ultimate destination...the journey itself IS the point.  Keep in mind, if you're not moving forward, you're sliding backwards.  True practitioners of Jiu-jitsu are always seeking ways to improve themselves both on & off the mat.  How will quitting now help to make whatever is going on in your life better?

You can always find "reasons" to quit.  Injuries happen, life gets busy, finances get tight, other things start to take priority, and life just gets in the way.  Maybe you've "lost motivation"...You are not unique.  We are ALL busy.  None of us have "free" time.  We all have obstacles to overcome.   The harsh reality is that most of your "reasons" are really excuses to justify to yourself why it's ok to quit.  We prioritize the things that are important. If you are really serious about being a better version of yourself and reaching the goals that you had when you started, there's no better place to do that then on the mat!  Motivation ALWAYS fades away.  True long term success requires the discipline to keep going when it's not easy!  If you're dealing with a difficult situation in life, that's even MORE reason to re-focus and re-dedicate yourself to training.  The mat is therapy.  Quitting something that keeps you in good shape physically & mentally, gives you a great outlet in a positive, encouraging environment with a great group of like-minded people, while challenging & developing yourself isn't going to make it better.

Please don't fool yourself into thinking you're just "taking a break".  In all of my years of Jiu-jitsu training & teaching, I've seen many, many people walk out the door.  And so many walked out all saying this same thing...."I'll be back, I just have to take a break for a while to get some things together...".  I have yet to see EVEN ONE of these people ever make it back to the mat on a consistent basis.  I have seen a rare few that quit for several months, or even a few years, who tried to come back.  However, invariably, they were never able to gain back the momentum and get back to the same consistency that they had previously.  In many cases their peers that kept training have now surpassed them on the mat, and they get frustrated & ultimately quit again.  Don't fall victim to this trap!  If you have made a conscious decision that Jiu-jitsu really isn't for you, and you decide to quit, then own it.  That is your choice & I will wish you all the best.  Don't trick yourself into thinking that you will be back.  You won't.

To be sure, quitting is the easier path.  No doubt, Jiu-jitsu is hard.  But most things in life that are worth doing are.  But staying the course is so much more rewarding in the long term. Pushing through these times of self doubt and frustration, and not allowing yourself to quit when things get a little difficult is something that will benefit you greatly, not only on the mat, but also in life.  And once you overcome this obstacle the first time, it gets easier the next time.  The flip side is, if you allow yourself to quit when things get tough, it is much easier to quit again the next time you run into an obstacle.  No matter how long you train, there will ALWAYS be ups and downs.  Just trust the process, stay on the path, and enjoy the ride! The tough times when nothing makes sense, and you feel frustrated, and actually think you're getting worse are often when you're starting to really make the most progress.  If you just stay the course, the upside is coming, I promise!   

I don't know anyone who has ever regretted NOT quitting Jiu-jitsu.  But I run into former students all the time who all tell me the same thing..."I really wish I had never quit."  Usually followed up by "I need to get back in there".  I always just wish them the best & let them know that the mat will be there when they're ready.  Sadly however,  I already know it's a very unlikely reality for them to ever step foot on the mat again.

If you are at a point where you're starting to question your progress, your dedication, and whether Jiu-jitsu is really right for you, and you're thinking about quitting, please, talk to your instructor and your teammates.  Likely, they have been there before and can help get you pointed back in the right direction.  As an instructor and a school owner, I clearly have a vested interest in every student that walks through the door, and keeping them on the mat for as long as possible.  Obviously, everyone is important to the team and to the business.  But I also know that the vast majority of people who start training Jiu-jitsu will end up quitting within a year or two.  And while I always hate to see a student walk away from the mat, I know that they will soon be replaced by the next new white belt walking through the door.  However, the business aside, the main frustration with seeing students give up on themselves is because I want the best for them, and I know what they're giving up.  I've seen firsthand the positive, life-changing benefits that consistent, continuous training in Jiu-jitsu has had on me personally, as well as so many of our students.  It is no exaggeration to say that I have literally seen it transform people's entire lives for the better!  And as both an instructor, and a fellow practitioner, I hate to see someone walk away from all of that before they ever even realized their true potential.  

A black belt is just a white belt that didn't quit training.  The black belts are not who's best....they're who's left.   Are you going to give up on yourself & become just another Jiu-jitsu statistic? That guy or girl that we see in old pictures year from now wondering "whatever happened to them?"  Or, do you have what it takes to stay the course and optimize your full potential, embracing a lifestyle of continuous training, seeking to always better yourself?  Whatever you decide, make it a conscious decision, and not a casual one that you will come to regret later.  The choice is yours. 

Bullying Prevention Strategies Part 1-The Problem

Bullying in our school system has reached epidemic levels.  Statistics show that an average, one in four kids experience bullying on a regular basis.  It is not a new phenomenon.  Bullying has always existed and will continue to.  However, in today's connected society of social media, there are even more opportunities for the harassment to continue, even once the child reaches the sanctuary of their home, through online, or "cyber-bullying".

What causes bullying?  

We are social creatures.  Part of the process of social development is learning how to interact with others.  As they are developing, children are often testing their boundaries.  It is a natural part of the socialization process.  At a young age, kids may not fully be able to cognitively understand what is appropriate in social interaction with others.  As they have not yet fully developed the capacity for empathy, children may not yet understand how their words and actions can affect others, so they may exhibit behaviors that are inappropriate or hurtful to their peers.  Bullying behavior usually comes from a lack of confidence, exactly the same trait that can cause someone to become a victim of bullying.  They are two different manifestations of the same exact characteristic! The bully will use verbal insults and harassment of those who they perceive as weaker and easy targets, in order to compensate for their own feelings of inadequacy.  It becomes a way of trying to make themselves feel better by belittling others.  In many cases, the bully has learned this behavior because they themselves have been bullied.  So, it becomes a vicious cycle of trying to gain power through intimidation.  Bullying behavior is a cry for help!

School Policy

In an attempt to try to deal with the bullying epidemic and to prevent fights from taking place, most schools in the U.S. have established very strict "zero-tolerance" policies with regards to fighting.  This means that anyone involved in a physical altercation, regardless of who started the fight or who was the aggressor, will have disciplinary consequences, often including suspension from school.  While the intent of this policy is good, the fact is that it creates a situation where, by policy, the school campus is the only place in the country where you don't have the right to defend yourself!  The fact is, the right of self-defense is an inherent fundamental human right, and supersedes any school policy.  It is very important for students to understand, and parents to support this!  While we obviously want our kids to avoid fighting at all costs, there are times where the use of physical force is necessary for them to protect themselves.  Not only do they have a right to defend themselves,  they have an obligation! This does not mean that your child may not have to deal with some disciplinary action from the school, should they have no choice but to be involved in a fight.  However, the consequence of doing nothing is far worse.  The reality is, if your child is physically attacked, even if they don't fight back, they will likely still be in trouble anyway, because they were still involved in a fight.  It is much better for them to protect themselves and deal with whatever consequences may come their way.  As parents, we need to support and advocate for their right to self defense!  If they follow the steps of the Bulleyproof system correctly however, it is very likely they will be able to avoid the fight altogether. And, if they do have to physically defend themselves, the disciplinary consequences are likely to be much less severe, as the intent is always to protect themselves with minimal force, without trying to cause injury to the bully.

Give Them the Tools

It is very common to hear parents say that they expect their kid to stand up for themselves.  Many parents will tell this to their child, and give them the expectation that they should confront the bully, even in a physical capacity if necessary.  While this mindset is correct, it is only part of the equation.  If you don't also equip your child with the tools to actually know how to physically protect themselves, and the confidence to do so, they will likely not be effective. The absolute best method for giving your child the capacity to physically defend themselves is to get them enrolled in a reputable Gracie Jiu-jitsu academy, which focuses on self-defense!

Why Jiu-jitsu?

Why is Jiu-jitsu the best solution?  Jiu-jitsu has a reputation for being one of the most effective martial arts in the world for realistic self-defense.  A big part of this is because of the training methodology, which includes "live" training or sparring with resistance.  Students become comfortable encountering physical resistance from their training partners, so it gives them a much more realistic expectation of what they are actually capable of, and the are less likely to panic in the heat of a realistic situation.  Also, because Jiu-jitsu focuses on the use of positional control and leverage based techniques rather than on brute force, it gives the smaller person the best opportunity to be effective in defending themselves against a larger, stronger adversary.  Anyone can learn the techniques of Jiu-jitsu, and with consistent practice, can learn to technically overcome a significant size or strength disparity.  In addition, with Jiu-jitsu being a grappling based art, students learn to control their opponent with minimal force, without having to injure them.  

Imagine a scenario where your kid gets into a fight with a bully at school.  Let's say that they are able to successfully fight off the bully by hitting them in the face with a good elbow strike.  Even if the technique is executed perfectly and effectively stops the bully, when the teacher shows up to break up the fight, the bully is the one laying on the ground, bleeding from the nose.  Even if your kid was in the right to defend themself, it doesn't look good.  However, if your child is able to simply take the bully down, get on top and use their body weight to simply control and subdue them without causing any injury, while keeping themselves safe, it is a much better situation for everyone involved.  This is the power that Jiu-jitsu creates.  Jiu-jitsu is the "Gentle Art"

What's the Solution?

The reality is, the phenomenon of bullying isn't going away.  The ONLY solution then, is to teach our kids how to effectively deal with the problem.  That means learning to stand up for themselves, both verbally, and if necessary, physically.  Teachers can intervene, but unfortunately, they can't be everywhere, all the time.  Often, the bullies know how to play the system, and will behave like perfect angels when teachers or other adults are present, but will continue to harass their victims relentlessly when there are no other adult role models around.  The only person who can actually put an end to the bullying then, is the victim themselves!  Kids need a systemic and structured approach for dealing with bullying, and that is exactly what the Bullyproof system is designed to give them.  The details of that system will be addressed in Part 2.

Part 2-The Solution

Bullying Prevention Strategies Part 2-The Solution

If you child is training in Gracie Jiu-jitsu, they already have the perfect resource to give them the self-defense skills necessary to deal with a physical assault, even against a larger, stronger adversary.  If they train consistently in the techniques of Jiu-jitsu, they will develop the ability to defend themselves effectively in most situations.  However, most bullying doesn't rise to the level of a physical altercation.  Kids need to also learn how to effectively deal with the most common non-physical bullying-verbal harassment, name calling, teasing, etc. This type of behavior constitutes the vast majority of bullying.  While little verbal jabs & insults can seem insignificant, over time the constant and relentless pestering of a bully can inflict serious emotional trauma on the victim. This can lead to a decrease in academic performance, fear of going to school, feelings of inadequacy, anxiety and depression, and in extreme cases has even led to cases of suicide, as the victims cannot get any relief and see no other way out.  Kids need a structured & systematic approach to dealing with verbal bullying, just as the techniques of Jiu-jitsu gives them to deal with physical altercations.  That is where the Bullyproof system comes in.  

The System

This method, based on the Gracie Bullyproof© program, which was developed over the years by the Gracie family, and organized by the Gracie Academy in Torrence, CA, implements the principles of Jiu-jitsu, to give students an effective and proven system to deal with bullying.  Like the physical techniques of Jiu-jitsu, with proper practice, it can give students the tools and confidence to be effective in standing up for themselves and putting an end to being a victim of bullying.  In addition to teaching kids how to be effective at dealing with verbal harassment, it also informs students of when & how it is ok to utilize the physical techniques of Jiu-jitsu in a self-defense situation, by establishing clear Rules of Engagement.

The Rules of Engagement

In order for a child to effectively deal with a bullying situation in a way that ensures they are using the physical techniques of Jiu-jitsu appropriately and righteously, it is imperative that they understand and abide by the Rules of Engagement.  These 5 rules should be memorized by the child, and reinforced by their parents to ensure that they are understood and implemented.  Jiu-jitsu is an art of self-defense.  The physical techniques of Jiu-jitsu give students an awesome super-power and huge physical advantage over those who are not trained.  The last thing that we want is for one of our Jiu-jitsu students to abuse this power, and use it inappropriately, thereby becoming the bully!  This is why the Rules of Engagement are so important to understand.

Rule #1-Avoid The Fight if At All Possible

Fighting is dangerous for everyone involved.  Furthermore, involvement in any type of physical confrontation in a school setting will most likely result in disciplinary action, possibly including suspension.  It is not an appropriate use of Jiu-jitsu to respond to verbal harassment or insults by initiating a physical altercation.  Jiu-jitsu should only be used as a self-defense method in response to the use or imminent use of physical force.

Rule #2-If You Are Physically Attacked, Defend Yourself

Every human being has an inherent right of self defense.  While it is never ok to start fights, it is also not ok to allow yourself to be physically abused by someone else.  All of us, including kids, not only have a right, but an obligation to protect ourselves against physical violence!  Just being a punching bag for a bully is not ok.  It will only exacerbate the problem in the future, and is not a guarantee of avoiding potential disciplinary action from the school.

Rule #3-If You are Verbally Attacked, Follow the 3 T's (Talk, Tell, Tackle)

These three steps, performed in order, are the key to helping kids stand up to verbal aggression and abuse. While each of these will be covered in more detail later, it is imperative to understand that in order for these to be effective, they MUST be backed up by the physical Jiu-jitsu skills and techniques which can ONLY be attained through consistent and dedicated training in a reputable Gracie Jiu-Jitsu program!

Rule #4-Avoid Striking the Bully Except as a Last Resort to Avoid Serious Injury; Establish Control & Negotiate

Jiu-jitsu is known as the Gentle Art. The beauty of Jiu-jitsu as a grappling based martial art, is the ability to effectively protect yourself and control your opponent in a rational and efficient way, without having to injure your assailant. Kids involved in a physical altercation should avoid the use of striking techniques, or any other technique designed to injure the bully.  The goal is to protect themselves and control the bully effectively with minimal force.  Punching or kicking the bully is likely to be ineffective and serve to only escalate the situation.  In addition, it will potentially cause more repercussions in the aftermath of the event.  Instead, students should rely on their Jiu-jitsu skills to put themselves in a position where they can negate the bully's ability to harm them, and use body position and leverage to control the bully, at which point they should verbally negotiate with the bully.  For example, if the student is able to takedown the bully and achieve full control of them in a dominant position, such as the mount, they should then say "Do you promise to leave me alone and stop bothering me?"  They should only let the bully go once they agree, or when an adult can intervene safely.

Rule #5-When Applying Submissions, Use Minimal Force & Negotiate

Submission holds in Jiu-jitsu (i.e. chokes & armlocks) are ultimately designed to force an attacker to willingly comply or give up.  While certain submission techniques can absolutely be used to injure if there is no other viable option, they can best be used in a bullying situation to simply control the bully, using minimal force, designed only to get compliance, never to cause injury!  Remember, typically, the bully is, or has been, a victim also.  Having empathy dictates that while it is never ok for a student to allow a bully to physically harm them, the ultimate goal is to resolve the situation with as little physical force as possible.  It is very possible, if handled correctly, that the bully and victim may ultimately even become friends after the incident!

These 5 Rules of Engagement set very clear guidelines for Jiu-jitsu students to properly and effectively deal with both the verbal and potentially physical aspects of a bullying situation.  Let's look further at the 3 T's referenced in Rule #3.

The Three T Steps (Talk, Tell, Tackle)

Talk

Talk to the bully.  This is often the hardest step for the victim of bullying, due to the perceived power dynamic.  So, like any skill, in order to be used effectively in the heat of the moment, it must be practiced repeatedly.  In many cases, if done correctly, this step alone may be enough to put a stop to the bullying. However, in order to be effective, it must be done with confidence and resolve! Kids must develop the confidence to verbally stand up to the bully, looking them directly in the eyes, and saying something like "Leave me alone!", or "Stop calling me names!", or "Don't ever do that again!" Tone and inflection are extremely important when verbally confronting the bully.  The phrase must be delivered in a very direct, very serious, but very calm and respectful way.  The body language that accompanies these words must also exude confidence. This takes practice!

How do students develop the confidence to stand up to the bully?  It cannot be stressed enough that the verbal techniques must be backed up by the knowledge and physical skills of Jiu-jitsu techniques, which come through consistent training.  They must negotiate from a position of power! With proper training, the physical techniques of Jiu-jitsu give students a super-power, that enable them to be easily control an untrained adversary, so there is nothing to be afraid of, should the situation escalate into a physical fight.  Jiu-jitsu is designed to give the student a distinct advantage, so if they are properly trained, and it comes down to a physical fight, they will win!

Just like the physical skills, the best ways for students to develop their confidence in verbally confronting the bully is through practice and repetition.  This is where parent involvement can be a huge help! Even if they don't train themselves and don't understand the physical techniques of Jiu-jitsu, parents are a great resource to help their kids practice this step through role-playing exercises. 

Tell

If verbally confronting the bully alone is not effective, and the bullying behavior continues, kids need to tell.  Tell an adult, whether it be a teacher, principal or other school administrator, parent, or all of the above.  An adult needs to be made aware of the situation, and be given the opportunity to intervene.  It is crucial that the adult actually talks directly to the bully.  If the student tells their teacher about the bullying behavior, and the teacher doesn't address it, go to another teacher, or to the principal.  They need to tell their parents, and then it is the parents responsibility at that point to follow through and ensure that an adult actually engages with the bully about their behavior.  Sometimes kids don't say anything because they are afraid that they will be labeled as a "tattle-tale".  However, this is much better than suffering in silence, potentially for years! If we keep in mind that the bullying behavior is just a symptom of the bully's own lack of confidence, attempting to resolve the situation by telling a responsible adult is actually helping the bully to learn to better deal with their own inner feelings of inadequacy and learn to interact more appropriately with others.

Tackle

If the bullying continues over days, weeks, or even months, after following the previous steps of Talk & Tell, the victim must take action! At this point, it is clear that the ONLY person who can successfully intercede to stop the bullying behavior is the victim themselves!  However, there is more to this step than it first appears.  It is never appropriate for a Jiu-jitsu student to use physical force just because they are angry or upset about being verbally antagonized.  So, they must use verbal Jiu-jitsu to mentally "tackle" the bully first!  This is done by confronting the bully with a very crucial and simple question:

"Are you challenging me to a fight?"

While this may seem confrontational, it is actually psychological warfare.  When confronted with this question, the power dynamic immediately shifts, as the bully is put into a very uncomfortable and unanticipated position.  They now have a choice to make, and must respond, either "yes" or "no".  In either case.....the victim wins!

Bullies seek out and prey on perceived weakness. They generally use mostly verbal intimidation to maintain their power & control over their victims.  Most of the time, they do not actually want to fight!  Most of the time, the answer to this question will be "no".  Usually, bullies target their victims in front of other kids, because it helps them to feel more powerful.  Once they are confronted directly with confidence, and they back down in front of others, their bluff has been called, and they will likely move on to an easier target, or even better, reassess their behavior overall.  Problem solved!

In the unlikely case that the bully says, or indicates that they do want to fight and they become physically aggressive, the Jiu-jitsu student already has the knowledge and skills to deal effectively with this situation.  If the bully charges them, tries to hit them, or exhibits and other type of physical aggression, the Jiu-jitsu student is fully within their rights at that point to use their techniques to defend themselves (following ROE #4 & #5).  They should use their techniques to gain physical control over the bully, using minimal force, and once they are under full control, they should verbally negotiate-"Do you promise to leave me alone and stop bothering me?" Once they agree, or, if a responsible adult intervenes, the student should safely let them up.  For someone who has never been physically controlled before, the feeling of panic and helplessness is overwhelming.  I can assure you that the bully will not want to experience that feeling again, and that will likely be the end of the bullying issue.  The student is not only protecting themselves, but also potentially any of the bullies future victims!

Sometimes, when confronted with this question, the bully may be caught off guard, embarrassed, or not know what to say.  They may attempt to "laugh it off" or otherwise not give a clear response.  Sometimes they may say something like, "Yeah, I do want to fight you.....but not right now."  In this case, an important follow up phrase should be used:

"I'm not afraid of you.  If you want to fight me, I'm ready.  Otherwise, leave me alone, and quit wasting my time!"

This conveys to the bully, very clearly, that the victim is not afraid. Fear is the cornerstone of the bully's power dynamic.  Without it, their efforts are useless.  In addition, looking the bully in the eye and delivering this line is VERY empowering to the victim! It is very likely that this will be the end of the bullying problem, without any fight ever taking place!

The Aftermath

It is extremely important for parents to convey to their child that they fully support their right to defend themselves if physically attacked!  Students need to understand that, as long as they follow the Rules of Engagement, they will not be in trouble with their parents, or with their Jiu-jitsu instructor.  However, in the age of "zero-tolerance" policies, there is no guarantee that they won't get in trouble with the school.  Parents should also be ready to advocate on behalf of their child to the school administration as well, in a very calm & respectful manner.  Both the student and parents should explain the steps that they took to try to stop the bullying problem and to avoid any physical fight.  Explain that they told the bully directly, several times to stop.  They then told the teacher and/or principal as well, and tried to get them to intervene, but that the bullying continued.  Explain that they understand the school policy about fighting, and that they did not want to fight the bully, but only acted in response to the bully initiating the physical confrontation in order to protect themselves.  And, explain that they did everything in their power to only control the bully and keep themselves safe, while trying not to injure the bully.  If done in this way, it is likely for the school administrator to see that the student in this case was a true victim of ongoing bullying that was not being handled effectively by any other means, and that they had no choice but to defend themselves.  The fact that they were able to neutralize the threat without injuring the bully should go a long way as well.  It is likely the student may then have no, or very minimal, disciplinary consequences.

If the student does face disciplinary action from the school, this needs to be taken in stride, and kept in perspective.  My advice is, if as a parent you feel that your child did the right thing and righteously stood up for themselves against a bully, and they are ultimately suspended from school for a day or two, make it a positive.  Turn it into a celebration.  It took a lot of courage for them to stand up to a bully, and fix the problem that the school administrators could not.  Let them enjoy having a couple days off, and do something fun with them as a reward!  They did a great job, and it is very likely they won't deal with bullying anymore, so it was well worth it!

Does Your Child Know How to Swim?

As parents, most of us recognize the importance of teaching our kids how to swim.  The ability to survive in the water is obviously a crucial life skill.  If you fall into the water without having that ability, you are not likely to survive.

Guess what?  The same is true with learning self-defense!  In today’s chaotic & often violent world, having the physical capacity & the mentality to defend yourself is an absolute must!  Bullying, including episodes of physical violence, in our schools are at an all-time high.  Of course, we all want our kids to avoid the fight if at all possible.  But the reality is, sometimes it is simply not avoidable.  Many parents, rightfully, tell their child that they can “fight back” & “stand up for themselves”…..and while I 100% agree with that sentiment, if you don't give your child the tools to know HOW to do that effectively, and they haven’t TRAINED CONSISTENTLY to deal with these types of situations, they are just being setup for failure.  

This is why I believe that learning Jiu-jitsu is an absolute MUST, especially for kids.  It gives them the physical skills & the confidence to be able to deal with a potentially violent encounter & effectively protect themselves.  And, Jiu-jitsu is the PERFECT self-defense art for kids! There are several reasons for this.  Because Jiu-jitsu is a grappling based art, students can SAFELY train with realistic resistance, so that they learn to develop more comfort in actual physical confrontations.  They are used to close contact in training, so they're more comfortable if someone puts their hands on them in a real-life encounter.  Additionally, unlike many other striking-based arts, Jiu-jitsu relies on utilizing positional control & leverage-based techniques, that gives students the ability to effectively defend themselves, even against a larger, stronger adversary, in a rational way, that doesn’t necessitate injuring the aggressor!  

Imagine this scenario:  Your child gets in a fight with the school bully….What is better….your child punching the bully in the nose--likely to only escalate the situation, particularly if the aggressor is larger;  Even if it is effective, there is likely to be blood everywhere & even in a justifiable self-defense situation, it just looks really bad.…OR, your child is able to take the bully down, use positional control to hold them down, and verbally negotiate with them, keeping themselves safe, until a teacher or other adult can intervene.  I think we would all agree the later is the better option.

And remember, bullies typically seek out the weakest targets.  So, the reality is, once your child has the physical skills & the confidence that goes along with it, they are much LESS likely to be targeted and ever have to physically defend themselves in the first place!

The self confidence that accompanies the development of realistic self defense skills is on of the greatest gifts that you can give your kids, equally important for their survival & well-being as learning how to swim. Invest in your child's future & give them skills that will be with them for a lifetime!  

How To Make Your Kid Quit Jiu-jitsu

So, you’ve become a “Jiu-jitsu parent”. Congratulations on making one of the absolute BEST investments in your child’s future & overall well-being!

I’m sure you’re happy to see your child put their gi on and step on the mat, and are excited to watch their progress so far!  I wanted to just take a moment to caution you about a common mistake that I’ve  seen many well-intentioned parents make that can inadvertently inhibit their child’s progress.

Naturally, every parent wants to see their child succeed and do well at whatever they do in life. Often, parents will want to “debrief” after Jiu-jitsu class, usually on the car ride home, and rehash all the details of every move that was learned, and go over their perceived notions about what their child “should have done” during sparring, what they did right, what they did wrong, etc.  Sometimes, they will insist that their child also practice their moves at home.  While I understand that this usually comes from a place of only the best of intentions, it can actually be detrimental to your child’s progress.  

Jiu-jitsu is hard, even for adults, and takes a while to really start to get figured out.  If you haven’t personally been on the mat in a Jiu-jitsu class, there is WAY more going on than what it appears as an outside observer.  

At our academy, we (and I hope you as well) are in this for the LONG TERM results!  Our main priority with our youth students, especially our younger ones, is to get them to love being on the mat & love Jiu-jitsu.  I don’t really care if an 8 year old has a perfect armbar….if they are still training at 18, they WILL! 

The best advice I can give to parents is to just get your child to Jiu-jitsu practice consistently, trust the instructors & the process, and just let them have the beginner’s experience and ENJOY training!  If they are pushed too hard, outside of class, training becomes a chore & a burden, and they are more likely to get burned out & want to quit.  Explain the importance of coming to class regularly (a couple times/week….at this age they don’t need to train 5-6 days/week) & encourage them if THEY want to practice on their own outside of the mat, but never force it.  During the ride home after class the best & ONLY questions to ask are: 

“Did you have fun?” 

and “Did you learn anything?”

…..and leave it at that!  

And….by all means, if you are allowed to sit in & observe your child’s Jiu-jitsu class, please DO NOT attempt to coach or otherwise interact with them during class. 

It is distracting to your child & the rest of the class, and disrespectful to the instructors.  Besides that, unless you actually have trained extensively yourself, you’re in no position to be giving out technical advice anyway. If you trust your child’s instructors (and I assume you do, because you’re paying them good money to teach your child), please let them do their job. Trust me, they want you to be involved, but not on the mat. They will let you know if they need you. 

If you REALLY want to be more involved, the absolute best way is to start training yourself! It is a great way to be able to share something really special with your child, and the best way for you to establish by your own example the importance of training. Many academies (such as ours) even have special “Family Classes” where you can train WITH your child under the qualified supervision & support of an instructor. 

Even if you can’t see it right away, if your child is showing up consistently, they ARE making progress!  In our program, students are only competing with themselves, and I strongly believe this is the best way, especially at a young age. I have seen many talented kids with all the potential in the world quit because they were pushed too hard, in too competitive an environment.  If you really want them to succeed long term, make Jiu-jitsu a very important part of their life….but not their whole life.  They still need to be kids!