If you've stepped foot in a Jiu-jitsu academy, you've probably heard the commonly uttered phrase, "leave your ego at the door". It is a truth that is much easier said than done. The reality is, if there wasn't SOME ego involved, none of us would be doing this. After all, the goal is to tap the other guy, right? Yes....and no. Ironically, sometimes our greatest opportunities for growth come through failure. Nobody gets good at Jiu-jitsu without tapping...a lot! The best guys on the mat are the ones who have failed the most, but have persevered through and used those failures as a learning experience.
Sometimes, the goal is to win. But not always. Tapping the person in front of you is a short term goal. But Jiu-jitsu is a long-term process. Sometimes, it is helpful to look at the big picture. Over the course of many many years of training, any one sparring session is relatively insignificant. We have to put it into the proper context as well. Don't be the "academy champion". If you want to compete and focus on winning, there are venues for that. The academy is not the right place. It is not healthy for anyone if we start to create an ultra competitive environment within the walls of the academy. The training mat is a sacred space, that should be treated as a laboratory, where the practitioner can have the freedom to explore Jiu-jitsu, without the fear, anxiety, or pressure of "loosing". You may have heard the common expression, "In Jiu-jitsu, either you win or you learn". This is very true.
Accept that you are going to tap. It is always ok to tap. It is part of the social contract that we accept when we step on the mat, and how we ensure that we are taking care of ourselves and our training partners. It is never ok to risk a potential injury in training just to avoid having to tap. Yes, it may sting a little, it may bruise your ego a little....especially when that tap comes to someone who may hold a lower rank than you, or who you think you should be better than. But guess what? That little shot to your ego is actually good for you, and if you address it in the proper mindset, can actually be a catalyst for growth.
It is always ok to tap. It is NOT ok to keep tapping repeatedly in the same situation without addressing it. Use that tap as a learning tool. Ask the questions. Figure out where you went wrong, and strive to fix it so you don't get caught the same way in the future. The tap just means that there was some little mistake that your opponent was able to capitalize on. Be grateful that you have training partners that are capable of exposing your weaknesses on the training mat, so that you can fix them and not get caught when it really matters! Don't get mad or frustrated. Your partner is doing their job. Don't make excuses. Don't take your partners moment away from them either. Tell them "good job", own your mistakes and try to fix them! If you are an upper belt or an instructor, and you get caught by one of your lower ranking teammates or students, that only means that you have done a good job helping to convey Jiu-jitsu to them! Jiu-jitsu works, and it is a credit to your ability as a mentor or instructor when your students start to give you a hard time. Plus, it keeps you on your toes, and should keep you hungry to continue to improve yourself as well!
Now, let's look at the other side of the coin. Learning how to deal with getting tapped is one thing. Learning how to deal with "winning" in training is another. Get the tap, and move on. It's that simple. Don't offer your partner unsolicited advise. Remember what its like to be on the other side of that equation. Nobody likes to be forced to tap. Don't celebrate your victory. Don't hold onto it or talk about it outside of training. You were able to submit your opponent. Good job. Now, move on. Sometimes, you may have legitimately earned that "victory"....however, often times, lower belts may not even realize that their higher ranked training partners may be letting them work, giving them space to get into positions, or may be working on a new position or technique themselves that they are not yet comfortable with. Sometimes it is hard to tell if you are the lower rank, when the upper belts are taking it easy on you and letting you work. This is what a good upper belt should be doing MOST of the time when working with a newer training partner. Just moving with them and giving them just enough resistance to make the training session productive for both people. Jiu-jitsu is learned through movement. Giving full resistance all the time often leads to spending the entire round stuck in one position with very little movement. A little give and take is often much more productive. Don't get me wrong. There are times when we must push on each other and go hard. We need to push our gas tank, work on developing our mental toughness, and push through the times when we may want to just quit. But these hard rolls should be the exception, rather than the rule.
Just because you can simply dominate your training partner doesn't mean you should. Usually, this isn't very productive for either person. If you're working with a less experience training partner, try to give them just the right amount of resistance for them to understand the movement, without always trying to shut it out completely. For example, if you teach someone how to do a scissor sweep, and then when they attempt it in sparring, you just completely shut it down and don't give them the chance to apply it successfully, all you're doing is taking away their confidence in the move. Of course nothing works every time, but students need to see that the move does work when properly applied. If you take away their belief in the technique they will never use it consistently enough to really master it so that they can utilize it when someone is fully resisting. Use a "tiered" system, giving good feedback and gradually increasing the resistance as your training partners get better.
If you are better than your training partner, use it an opportunity to work on your weak areas. Intentionally put yourself in tough positions, see how deep of a hole you can dig for yourself, and see if you can still recover. This is very important, because there are people out there who can force you into those uncomfortable positions against your will, and if you haven't spent the necessary time there to sharpen your defensive skills, you will pay for it later. And guess what, if you really do this, sometimes you won't get out. Sometimes you will have to tap to that lower belt. As a black belt, I've been put to sleep....unconscious....on the mat, by a blue belt. Did they earn it? Maybe they did, maybe they didn't. You see that is the point. It doesn't matter. Be ok with "loosing", whether you gave the person the position or they legitimately earned it. Be proud of your training partners accomplishments, even if it means having to sacrifice a little bit of your own ego! Your job is to make them better so that they, in turn, will make you better!
In short, regardless of which side of the coin you find yourself on, put the tap into the proper context. It really doesn't matter that much in the grand scheme of things. Tap to keep yourself safe, learn from it and move on. Don't get mad, frustrated, or upset. But don't ignore it either. If you tap your partner, don't celebrate. Shake hands and move on. Try to take the winning and loosing out of the training environment, and just focus on learning and getting better and helping your training partners do the same.
