Bullying Prevention Strategies Part 1-The Problem

Bullying in our school system has reached epidemic levels.  Statistics show that an average, one in four kids experience bullying on a regular basis.  It is not a new phenomenon.  Bullying has always existed and will continue to.  However, in today's connected society of social media, there are even more opportunities for the harassment to continue, even once the child reaches the sanctuary of their home, through online, or "cyber-bullying".

What causes bullying?  

We are social creatures.  Part of the process of social development is learning how to interact with others.  As they are developing, children are often testing their boundaries.  It is a natural part of the socialization process.  At a young age, kids may not fully be able to cognitively understand what is appropriate in social interaction with others.  As they have not yet fully developed the capacity for empathy, children may not yet understand how their words and actions can affect others, so they may exhibit behaviors that are inappropriate or hurtful to their peers.  Bullying behavior usually comes from a lack of confidence, exactly the same trait that can cause someone to become a victim of bullying.  They are two different manifestations of the same exact characteristic! The bully will use verbal insults and harassment of those who they perceive as weaker and easy targets, in order to compensate for their own feelings of inadequacy.  It becomes a way of trying to make themselves feel better by belittling others.  In many cases, the bully has learned this behavior because they themselves have been bullied.  So, it becomes a vicious cycle of trying to gain power through intimidation.  Bullying behavior is a cry for help!

School Policy

In an attempt to try to deal with the bullying epidemic and to prevent fights from taking place, most schools in the U.S. have established very strict "zero-tolerance" policies with regards to fighting.  This means that anyone involved in a physical altercation, regardless of who started the fight or who was the aggressor, will have disciplinary consequences, often including suspension from school.  While the intent of this policy is good, the fact is that it creates a situation where, by policy, the school campus is the only place in the country where you don't have the right to defend yourself!  The fact is, the right of self-defense is an inherent fundamental human right, and supersedes any school policy.  It is very important for students to understand, and parents to support this!  While we obviously want our kids to avoid fighting at all costs, there are times where the use of physical force is necessary for them to protect themselves.  Not only do they have a right to defend themselves,  they have an obligation! This does not mean that your child may not have to deal with some disciplinary action from the school, should they have no choice but to be involved in a fight.  However, the consequence of doing nothing is far worse.  The reality is, if your child is physically attacked, even if they don't fight back, they will likely still be in trouble anyway, because they were still involved in a fight.  It is much better for them to protect themselves and deal with whatever consequences may come their way.  As parents, we need to support and advocate for their right to self defense!  If they follow the steps of the Bulleyproof system correctly however, it is very likely they will be able to avoid the fight altogether. And, if they do have to physically defend themselves, the disciplinary consequences are likely to be much less severe, as the intent is always to protect themselves with minimal force, without trying to cause injury to the bully.

Give Them the Tools

It is very common to hear parents say that they expect their kid to stand up for themselves.  Many parents will tell this to their child, and give them the expectation that they should confront the bully, even in a physical capacity if necessary.  While this mindset is correct, it is only part of the equation.  If you don't also equip your child with the tools to actually know how to physically protect themselves, and the confidence to do so, they will likely not be effective. The absolute best method for giving your child the capacity to physically defend themselves is to get them enrolled in a reputable Gracie Jiu-jitsu academy, which focuses on self-defense!

Why Jiu-jitsu?

Why is Jiu-jitsu the best solution?  Jiu-jitsu has a reputation for being one of the most effective martial arts in the world for realistic self-defense.  A big part of this is because of the training methodology, which includes "live" training or sparring with resistance.  Students become comfortable encountering physical resistance from their training partners, so it gives them a much more realistic expectation of what they are actually capable of, and the are less likely to panic in the heat of a realistic situation.  Also, because Jiu-jitsu focuses on the use of positional control and leverage based techniques rather than on brute force, it gives the smaller person the best opportunity to be effective in defending themselves against a larger, stronger adversary.  Anyone can learn the techniques of Jiu-jitsu, and with consistent practice, can learn to technically overcome a significant size or strength disparity.  In addition, with Jiu-jitsu being a grappling based art, students learn to control their opponent with minimal force, without having to injure them.  

Imagine a scenario where your kid gets into a fight with a bully at school.  Let's say that they are able to successfully fight off the bully by hitting them in the face with a good elbow strike.  Even if the technique is executed perfectly and effectively stops the bully, when the teacher shows up to break up the fight, the bully is the one laying on the ground, bleeding from the nose.  Even if your kid was in the right to defend themself, it doesn't look good.  However, if your child is able to simply take the bully down, get on top and use their body weight to simply control and subdue them without causing any injury, while keeping themselves safe, it is a much better situation for everyone involved.  This is the power that Jiu-jitsu creates.  Jiu-jitsu is the "Gentle Art"

What's the Solution?

The reality is, the phenomenon of bullying isn't going away.  The ONLY solution then, is to teach our kids how to effectively deal with the problem.  That means learning to stand up for themselves, both verbally, and if necessary, physically.  Teachers can intervene, but unfortunately, they can't be everywhere, all the time.  Often, the bullies know how to play the system, and will behave like perfect angels when teachers or other adults are present, but will continue to harass their victims relentlessly when there are no other adult role models around.  The only person who can actually put an end to the bullying then, is the victim themselves!  Kids need a systemic and structured approach for dealing with bullying, and that is exactly what the Bullyproof system is designed to give them.  The details of that system will be addressed in Part 2.

Part 2-The Solution

Bullying Prevention Strategies Part 2-The Solution

If you child is training in Gracie Jiu-jitsu, they already have the perfect resource to give them the self-defense skills necessary to deal with a physical assault, even against a larger, stronger adversary.  If they train consistently in the techniques of Jiu-jitsu, they will develop the ability to defend themselves effectively in most situations.  However, most bullying doesn't rise to the level of a physical altercation.  Kids need to also learn how to effectively deal with the most common non-physical bullying-verbal harassment, name calling, teasing, etc. This type of behavior constitutes the vast majority of bullying.  While little verbal jabs & insults can seem insignificant, over time the constant and relentless pestering of a bully can inflict serious emotional trauma on the victim. This can lead to a decrease in academic performance, fear of going to school, feelings of inadequacy, anxiety and depression, and in extreme cases has even led to cases of suicide, as the victims cannot get any relief and see no other way out.  Kids need a structured & systematic approach to dealing with verbal bullying, just as the techniques of Jiu-jitsu gives them to deal with physical altercations.  That is where the Bullyproof system comes in.  

The System

This method, based on the Gracie Bullyproof© program, which was developed over the years by the Gracie family, and organized by the Gracie Academy in Torrence, CA, implements the principles of Jiu-jitsu, to give students an effective and proven system to deal with bullying.  Like the physical techniques of Jiu-jitsu, with proper practice, it can give students the tools and confidence to be effective in standing up for themselves and putting an end to being a victim of bullying.  In addition to teaching kids how to be effective at dealing with verbal harassment, it also informs students of when & how it is ok to utilize the physical techniques of Jiu-jitsu in a self-defense situation, by establishing clear Rules of Engagement.

The Rules of Engagement

In order for a child to effectively deal with a bullying situation in a way that ensures they are using the physical techniques of Jiu-jitsu appropriately and righteously, it is imperative that they understand and abide by the Rules of Engagement.  These 5 rules should be memorized by the child, and reinforced by their parents to ensure that they are understood and implemented.  Jiu-jitsu is an art of self-defense.  The physical techniques of Jiu-jitsu give students an awesome super-power and huge physical advantage over those who are not trained.  The last thing that we want is for one of our Jiu-jitsu students to abuse this power, and use it inappropriately, thereby becoming the bully!  This is why the Rules of Engagement are so important to understand.

Rule #1-Avoid The Fight if At All Possible

Fighting is dangerous for everyone involved.  Furthermore, involvement in any type of physical confrontation in a school setting will most likely result in disciplinary action, possibly including suspension.  It is not an appropriate use of Jiu-jitsu to respond to verbal harassment or insults by initiating a physical altercation.  Jiu-jitsu should only be used as a self-defense method in response to the use or imminent use of physical force.

Rule #2-If You Are Physically Attacked, Defend Yourself

Every human being has an inherent right of self defense.  While it is never ok to start fights, it is also not ok to allow yourself to be physically abused by someone else.  All of us, including kids, not only have a right, but an obligation to protect ourselves against physical violence!  Just being a punching bag for a bully is not ok.  It will only exacerbate the problem in the future, and is not a guarantee of avoiding potential disciplinary action from the school.

Rule #3-If You are Verbally Attacked, Follow the 3 T's (Talk, Tell, Tackle)

These three steps, performed in order, are the key to helping kids stand up to verbal aggression and abuse. While each of these will be covered in more detail later, it is imperative to understand that in order for these to be effective, they MUST be backed up by the physical Jiu-jitsu skills and techniques which can ONLY be attained through consistent and dedicated training in a reputable Gracie Jiu-Jitsu program!

Rule #4-Avoid Striking the Bully Except as a Last Resort to Avoid Serious Injury; Establish Control & Negotiate

Jiu-jitsu is known as the Gentle Art. The beauty of Jiu-jitsu as a grappling based martial art, is the ability to effectively protect yourself and control your opponent in a rational and efficient way, without having to injure your assailant. Kids involved in a physical altercation should avoid the use of striking techniques, or any other technique designed to injure the bully.  The goal is to protect themselves and control the bully effectively with minimal force.  Punching or kicking the bully is likely to be ineffective and serve to only escalate the situation.  In addition, it will potentially cause more repercussions in the aftermath of the event.  Instead, students should rely on their Jiu-jitsu skills to put themselves in a position where they can negate the bully's ability to harm them, and use body position and leverage to control the bully, at which point they should verbally negotiate with the bully.  For example, if the student is able to takedown the bully and achieve full control of them in a dominant position, such as the mount, they should then say "Do you promise to leave me alone and stop bothering me?"  They should only let the bully go once they agree, or when an adult can intervene safely.

Rule #5-When Applying Submissions, Use Minimal Force & Negotiate

Submission holds in Jiu-jitsu (i.e. chokes & armlocks) are ultimately designed to force an attacker to willingly comply or give up.  While certain submission techniques can absolutely be used to injure if there is no other viable option, they can best be used in a bullying situation to simply control the bully, using minimal force, designed only to get compliance, never to cause injury!  Remember, typically, the bully is, or has been, a victim also.  Having empathy dictates that while it is never ok for a student to allow a bully to physically harm them, the ultimate goal is to resolve the situation with as little physical force as possible.  It is very possible, if handled correctly, that the bully and victim may ultimately even become friends after the incident!

These 5 Rules of Engagement set very clear guidelines for Jiu-jitsu students to properly and effectively deal with both the verbal and potentially physical aspects of a bullying situation.  Let's look further at the 3 T's referenced in Rule #3.

The Three T Steps (Talk, Tell, Tackle)

Talk

Talk to the bully.  This is often the hardest step for the victim of bullying, due to the perceived power dynamic.  So, like any skill, in order to be used effectively in the heat of the moment, it must be practiced repeatedly.  In many cases, if done correctly, this step alone may be enough to put a stop to the bullying. However, in order to be effective, it must be done with confidence and resolve! Kids must develop the confidence to verbally stand up to the bully, looking them directly in the eyes, and saying something like "Leave me alone!", or "Stop calling me names!", or "Don't ever do that again!" Tone and inflection are extremely important when verbally confronting the bully.  The phrase must be delivered in a very direct, very serious, but very calm and respectful way.  The body language that accompanies these words must also exude confidence. This takes practice!

How do students develop the confidence to stand up to the bully?  It cannot be stressed enough that the verbal techniques must be backed up by the knowledge and physical skills of Jiu-jitsu techniques, which come through consistent training.  They must negotiate from a position of power! With proper training, the physical techniques of Jiu-jitsu give students a super-power, that enable them to be easily control an untrained adversary, so there is nothing to be afraid of, should the situation escalate into a physical fight.  Jiu-jitsu is designed to give the student a distinct advantage, so if they are properly trained, and it comes down to a physical fight, they will win!

Just like the physical skills, the best ways for students to develop their confidence in verbally confronting the bully is through practice and repetition.  This is where parent involvement can be a huge help! Even if they don't train themselves and don't understand the physical techniques of Jiu-jitsu, parents are a great resource to help their kids practice this step through role-playing exercises. 

Tell

If verbally confronting the bully alone is not effective, and the bullying behavior continues, kids need to tell.  Tell an adult, whether it be a teacher, principal or other school administrator, parent, or all of the above.  An adult needs to be made aware of the situation, and be given the opportunity to intervene.  It is crucial that the adult actually talks directly to the bully.  If the student tells their teacher about the bullying behavior, and the teacher doesn't address it, go to another teacher, or to the principal.  They need to tell their parents, and then it is the parents responsibility at that point to follow through and ensure that an adult actually engages with the bully about their behavior.  Sometimes kids don't say anything because they are afraid that they will be labeled as a "tattle-tale".  However, this is much better than suffering in silence, potentially for years! If we keep in mind that the bullying behavior is just a symptom of the bully's own lack of confidence, attempting to resolve the situation by telling a responsible adult is actually helping the bully to learn to better deal with their own inner feelings of inadequacy and learn to interact more appropriately with others.

Tackle

If the bullying continues over days, weeks, or even months, after following the previous steps of Talk & Tell, the victim must take action! At this point, it is clear that the ONLY person who can successfully intercede to stop the bullying behavior is the victim themselves!  However, there is more to this step than it first appears.  It is never appropriate for a Jiu-jitsu student to use physical force just because they are angry or upset about being verbally antagonized.  So, they must use verbal Jiu-jitsu to mentally "tackle" the bully first!  This is done by confronting the bully with a very crucial and simple question:

"Are you challenging me to a fight?"

While this may seem confrontational, it is actually psychological warfare.  When confronted with this question, the power dynamic immediately shifts, as the bully is put into a very uncomfortable and unanticipated position.  They now have a choice to make, and must respond, either "yes" or "no".  In either case.....the victim wins!

Bullies seek out and prey on perceived weakness. They generally use mostly verbal intimidation to maintain their power & control over their victims.  Most of the time, they do not actually want to fight!  Most of the time, the answer to this question will be "no".  Usually, bullies target their victims in front of other kids, because it helps them to feel more powerful.  Once they are confronted directly with confidence, and they back down in front of others, their bluff has been called, and they will likely move on to an easier target, or even better, reassess their behavior overall.  Problem solved!

In the unlikely case that the bully says, or indicates that they do want to fight and they become physically aggressive, the Jiu-jitsu student already has the knowledge and skills to deal effectively with this situation.  If the bully charges them, tries to hit them, or exhibits and other type of physical aggression, the Jiu-jitsu student is fully within their rights at that point to use their techniques to defend themselves (following ROE #4 & #5).  They should use their techniques to gain physical control over the bully, using minimal force, and once they are under full control, they should verbally negotiate-"Do you promise to leave me alone and stop bothering me?" Once they agree, or, if a responsible adult intervenes, the student should safely let them up.  For someone who has never been physically controlled before, the feeling of panic and helplessness is overwhelming.  I can assure you that the bully will not want to experience that feeling again, and that will likely be the end of the bullying issue.  The student is not only protecting themselves, but also potentially any of the bullies future victims!

Sometimes, when confronted with this question, the bully may be caught off guard, embarrassed, or not know what to say.  They may attempt to "laugh it off" or otherwise not give a clear response.  Sometimes they may say something like, "Yeah, I do want to fight you.....but not right now."  In this case, an important follow up phrase should be used:

"I'm not afraid of you.  If you want to fight me, I'm ready.  Otherwise, leave me alone, and quit wasting my time!"

This conveys to the bully, very clearly, that the victim is not afraid. Fear is the cornerstone of the bully's power dynamic.  Without it, their efforts are useless.  In addition, looking the bully in the eye and delivering this line is VERY empowering to the victim! It is very likely that this will be the end of the bullying problem, without any fight ever taking place!

The Aftermath

It is extremely important for parents to convey to their child that they fully support their right to defend themselves if physically attacked!  Students need to understand that, as long as they follow the Rules of Engagement, they will not be in trouble with their parents, or with their Jiu-jitsu instructor.  However, in the age of "zero-tolerance" policies, there is no guarantee that they won't get in trouble with the school.  Parents should also be ready to advocate on behalf of their child to the school administration as well, in a very calm & respectful manner.  Both the student and parents should explain the steps that they took to try to stop the bullying problem and to avoid any physical fight.  Explain that they told the bully directly, several times to stop.  They then told the teacher and/or principal as well, and tried to get them to intervene, but that the bullying continued.  Explain that they understand the school policy about fighting, and that they did not want to fight the bully, but only acted in response to the bully initiating the physical confrontation in order to protect themselves.  And, explain that they did everything in their power to only control the bully and keep themselves safe, while trying not to injure the bully.  If done in this way, it is likely for the school administrator to see that the student in this case was a true victim of ongoing bullying that was not being handled effectively by any other means, and that they had no choice but to defend themselves.  The fact that they were able to neutralize the threat without injuring the bully should go a long way as well.  It is likely the student may then have no, or very minimal, disciplinary consequences.

If the student does face disciplinary action from the school, this needs to be taken in stride, and kept in perspective.  My advice is, if as a parent you feel that your child did the right thing and righteously stood up for themselves against a bully, and they are ultimately suspended from school for a day or two, make it a positive.  Turn it into a celebration.  It took a lot of courage for them to stand up to a bully, and fix the problem that the school administrators could not.  Let them enjoy having a couple days off, and do something fun with them as a reward!  They did a great job, and it is very likely they won't deal with bullying anymore, so it was well worth it!