If you child is training in Gracie Jiu-jitsu, they already have the perfect resource to give them the self-defense skills necessary to deal with a physical assault, even against a larger, stronger adversary. If they train consistently in the techniques of Jiu-jitsu, they will develop the ability to defend themselves effectively in most situations. However, most bullying doesn't rise to the level of a physical altercation. Kids need to also learn how to effectively deal with the most common non-physical bullying-verbal harassment, name calling, teasing, etc. This type of behavior constitutes the vast majority of bullying. While little verbal jabs & insults can seem insignificant, over time the constant and relentless pestering of a bully can inflict serious emotional trauma on the victim. This can lead to a decrease in academic performance, fear of going to school, feelings of inadequacy, anxiety and depression, and in extreme cases has even led to cases of suicide, as the victims cannot get any relief and see no other way out. Kids need a structured & systematic approach to dealing with verbal bullying, just as the techniques of Jiu-jitsu gives them to deal with physical altercations. That is where the Bullyproof system comes in.
The System
This method, based on the Gracie Bullyproof© program, which was developed over the years by the Gracie family, and organized by the Gracie Academy in Torrence, CA, implements the principles of Jiu-jitsu, to give students an effective and proven system to deal with bullying. Like the physical techniques of Jiu-jitsu, with proper practice, it can give students the tools and confidence to be effective in standing up for themselves and putting an end to being a victim of bullying. In addition to teaching kids how to be effective at dealing with verbal harassment, it also informs students of when & how it is ok to utilize the physical techniques of Jiu-jitsu in a self-defense situation, by establishing clear Rules of Engagement.
The Rules of Engagement
In order for a child to effectively deal with a bullying situation in a way that ensures they are using the physical techniques of Jiu-jitsu appropriately and righteously, it is imperative that they understand and abide by the Rules of Engagement. These 5 rules should be memorized by the child, and reinforced by their parents to ensure that they are understood and implemented. Jiu-jitsu is an art of self-defense. The physical techniques of Jiu-jitsu give students an awesome super-power and huge physical advantage over those who are not trained. The last thing that we want is for one of our Jiu-jitsu students to abuse this power, and use it inappropriately, thereby becoming the bully! This is why the Rules of Engagement are so important to understand.
Rule #1-Avoid The Fight if At All Possible
Fighting is dangerous for everyone involved. Furthermore, involvement in any type of physical confrontation in a school setting will most likely result in disciplinary action, possibly including suspension. It is not an appropriate use of Jiu-jitsu to respond to verbal harassment or insults by initiating a physical altercation. Jiu-jitsu should only be used as a self-defense method in response to the use or imminent use of physical force.
Rule #2-If You Are Physically Attacked, Defend Yourself
Every human being has an inherent right of self defense. While it is never ok to start fights, it is also not ok to allow yourself to be physically abused by someone else. All of us, including kids, not only have a right, but an obligation to protect ourselves against physical violence! Just being a punching bag for a bully is not ok. It will only exacerbate the problem in the future, and is not a guarantee of avoiding potential disciplinary action from the school.
Rule #3-If You are Verbally Attacked, Follow the 3 T's (Talk, Tell, Tackle)
These three steps, performed in order, are the key to helping kids stand up to verbal aggression and abuse. While each of these will be covered in more detail later, it is imperative to understand that in order for these to be effective, they MUST be backed up by the physical Jiu-jitsu skills and techniques which can ONLY be attained through consistent and dedicated training in a reputable Gracie Jiu-Jitsu program!
Rule #4-Avoid Striking the Bully Except as a Last Resort to Avoid Serious Injury; Establish Control & Negotiate
Jiu-jitsu is known as the Gentle Art. The beauty of Jiu-jitsu as a grappling based martial art, is the ability to effectively protect yourself and control your opponent in a rational and efficient way, without having to injure your assailant. Kids involved in a physical altercation should avoid the use of striking techniques, or any other technique designed to injure the bully. The goal is to protect themselves and control the bully effectively with minimal force. Punching or kicking the bully is likely to be ineffective and serve to only escalate the situation. In addition, it will potentially cause more repercussions in the aftermath of the event. Instead, students should rely on their Jiu-jitsu skills to put themselves in a position where they can negate the bully's ability to harm them, and use body position and leverage to control the bully, at which point they should verbally negotiate with the bully. For example, if the student is able to takedown the bully and achieve full control of them in a dominant position, such as the mount, they should then say "Do you promise to leave me alone and stop bothering me?" They should only let the bully go once they agree, or when an adult can intervene safely.
Rule #5-When Applying Submissions, Use Minimal Force & Negotiate
Submission holds in Jiu-jitsu (i.e. chokes & armlocks) are ultimately designed to force an attacker to willingly comply or give up. While certain submission techniques can absolutely be used to injure if there is no other viable option, they can best be used in a bullying situation to simply control the bully, using minimal force, designed only to get compliance, never to cause injury! Remember, typically, the bully is, or has been, a victim also. Having empathy dictates that while it is never ok for a student to allow a bully to physically harm them, the ultimate goal is to resolve the situation with as little physical force as possible. It is very possible, if handled correctly, that the bully and victim may ultimately even become friends after the incident!
These 5 Rules of Engagement set very clear guidelines for Jiu-jitsu students to properly and effectively deal with both the verbal and potentially physical aspects of a bullying situation. Let's look further at the 3 T's referenced in Rule #3.
The Three T Steps (Talk, Tell, Tackle)
Talk
Talk to the bully. This is often the hardest step for the victim of bullying, due to the perceived power dynamic. So, like any skill, in order to be used effectively in the heat of the moment, it must be practiced repeatedly. In many cases, if done correctly, this step alone may be enough to put a stop to the bullying. However, in order to be effective, it must be done with confidence and resolve! Kids must develop the confidence to verbally stand up to the bully, looking them directly in the eyes, and saying something like "Leave me alone!", or "Stop calling me names!", or "Don't ever do that again!" Tone and inflection are extremely important when verbally confronting the bully. The phrase must be delivered in a very direct, very serious, but very calm and respectful way. The body language that accompanies these words must also exude confidence. This takes practice!
How do students develop the confidence to stand up to the bully? It cannot be stressed enough that the verbal techniques must be backed up by the knowledge and physical skills of Jiu-jitsu techniques, which come through consistent training. They must negotiate from a position of power! With proper training, the physical techniques of Jiu-jitsu give students a super-power, that enable them to be easily control an untrained adversary, so there is nothing to be afraid of, should the situation escalate into a physical fight. Jiu-jitsu is designed to give the student a distinct advantage, so if they are properly trained, and it comes down to a physical fight, they will win!
Just like the physical skills, the best ways for students to develop their confidence in verbally confronting the bully is through practice and repetition. This is where parent involvement can be a huge help! Even if they don't train themselves and don't understand the physical techniques of Jiu-jitsu, parents are a great resource to help their kids practice this step through role-playing exercises.
Tell
If verbally confronting the bully alone is not effective, and the bullying behavior continues, kids need to tell. Tell an adult, whether it be a teacher, principal or other school administrator, parent, or all of the above. An adult needs to be made aware of the situation, and be given the opportunity to intervene. It is crucial that the adult actually talks directly to the bully. If the student tells their teacher about the bullying behavior, and the teacher doesn't address it, go to another teacher, or to the principal. They need to tell their parents, and then it is the parents responsibility at that point to follow through and ensure that an adult actually engages with the bully about their behavior. Sometimes kids don't say anything because they are afraid that they will be labeled as a "tattle-tale". However, this is much better than suffering in silence, potentially for years! If we keep in mind that the bullying behavior is just a symptom of the bully's own lack of confidence, attempting to resolve the situation by telling a responsible adult is actually helping the bully to learn to better deal with their own inner feelings of inadequacy and learn to interact more appropriately with others.
Tackle
If the bullying continues over days, weeks, or even months, after following the previous steps of Talk & Tell, the victim must take action! At this point, it is clear that the ONLY person who can successfully intercede to stop the bullying behavior is the victim themselves! However, there is more to this step than it first appears. It is never appropriate for a Jiu-jitsu student to use physical force just because they are angry or upset about being verbally antagonized. So, they must use verbal Jiu-jitsu to mentally "tackle" the bully first! This is done by confronting the bully with a very crucial and simple question:
"Are you challenging me to a fight?"
While this may seem confrontational, it is actually psychological warfare. When confronted with this question, the power dynamic immediately shifts, as the bully is put into a very uncomfortable and unanticipated position. They now have a choice to make, and must respond, either "yes" or "no". In either case.....the victim wins!
Bullies seek out and prey on perceived weakness. They generally use mostly verbal intimidation to maintain their power & control over their victims. Most of the time, they do not actually want to fight! Most of the time, the answer to this question will be "no". Usually, bullies target their victims in front of other kids, because it helps them to feel more powerful. Once they are confronted directly with confidence, and they back down in front of others, their bluff has been called, and they will likely move on to an easier target, or even better, reassess their behavior overall. Problem solved!
In the unlikely case that the bully says, or indicates that they do want to fight and they become physically aggressive, the Jiu-jitsu student already has the knowledge and skills to deal effectively with this situation. If the bully charges them, tries to hit them, or exhibits and other type of physical aggression, the Jiu-jitsu student is fully within their rights at that point to use their techniques to defend themselves (following ROE #4 & #5). They should use their techniques to gain physical control over the bully, using minimal force, and once they are under full control, they should verbally negotiate-"Do you promise to leave me alone and stop bothering me?" Once they agree, or, if a responsible adult intervenes, the student should safely let them up. For someone who has never been physically controlled before, the feeling of panic and helplessness is overwhelming. I can assure you that the bully will not want to experience that feeling again, and that will likely be the end of the bullying issue. The student is not only protecting themselves, but also potentially any of the bullies future victims!
Sometimes, when confronted with this question, the bully may be caught off guard, embarrassed, or not know what to say. They may attempt to "laugh it off" or otherwise not give a clear response. Sometimes they may say something like, "Yeah, I do want to fight you.....but not right now." In this case, an important follow up phrase should be used:
"I'm not afraid of you. If you want to fight me, I'm ready. Otherwise, leave me alone, and quit wasting my time!"
This conveys to the bully, very clearly, that the victim is not afraid. Fear is the cornerstone of the bully's power dynamic. Without it, their efforts are useless. In addition, looking the bully in the eye and delivering this line is VERY empowering to the victim! It is very likely that this will be the end of the bullying problem, without any fight ever taking place!
The Aftermath
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