Bullying Prevention Strategies Part 1-The Problem

Bullying in our school system has reached epidemic levels.  Statistics show that an average, one in four kids experience bullying on a regular basis.  It is not a new phenomenon.  Bullying has always existed and will continue to.  However, in today's connected society of social media, there are even more opportunities for the harassment to continue, even once the child reaches the sanctuary of their home, through online, or "cyber-bullying".

What causes bullying?  

We are social creatures.  Part of the process of social development is learning how to interact with others.  As they are developing, children are often testing their boundaries.  It is a natural part of the socialization process.  At a young age, kids may not fully be able to cognitively understand what is appropriate in social interaction with others.  As they have not yet fully developed the capacity for empathy, children may not yet understand how their words and actions can affect others, so they may exhibit behaviors that are inappropriate or hurtful to their peers.  Bullying behavior usually comes from a lack of confidence, exactly the same trait that can cause someone to become a victim of bullying.  They are two different manifestations of the same exact characteristic! The bully will use verbal insults and harassment of those who they perceive as weaker and easy targets, in order to compensate for their own feelings of inadequacy.  It becomes a way of trying to make themselves feel better by belittling others.  In many cases, the bully has learned this behavior because they themselves have been bullied.  So, it becomes a vicious cycle of trying to gain power through intimidation.  Bullying behavior is a cry for help!

School Policy

In an attempt to try to deal with the bullying epidemic and to prevent fights from taking place, most schools in the U.S. have established very strict "zero-tolerance" policies with regards to fighting.  This means that anyone involved in a physical altercation, regardless of who started the fight or who was the aggressor, will have disciplinary consequences, often including suspension from school.  While the intent of this policy is good, the fact is that it creates a situation where, by policy, the school campus is the only place in the country where you don't have the right to defend yourself!  The fact is, the right of self-defense is an inherent fundamental human right, and supersedes any school policy.  It is very important for students to understand, and parents to support this!  While we obviously want our kids to avoid fighting at all costs, there are times where the use of physical force is necessary for them to protect themselves.  Not only do they have a right to defend themselves,  they have an obligation! This does not mean that your child may not have to deal with some disciplinary action from the school, should they have no choice but to be involved in a fight.  However, the consequence of doing nothing is far worse.  The reality is, if your child is physically attacked, even if they don't fight back, they will likely still be in trouble anyway, because they were still involved in a fight.  It is much better for them to protect themselves and deal with whatever consequences may come their way.  As parents, we need to support and advocate for their right to self defense!  If they follow the steps of the Bulleyproof system correctly however, it is very likely they will be able to avoid the fight altogether. And, if they do have to physically defend themselves, the disciplinary consequences are likely to be much less severe, as the intent is always to protect themselves with minimal force, without trying to cause injury to the bully.

Give Them the Tools

It is very common to hear parents say that they expect their kid to stand up for themselves.  Many parents will tell this to their child, and give them the expectation that they should confront the bully, even in a physical capacity if necessary.  While this mindset is correct, it is only part of the equation.  If you don't also equip your child with the tools to actually know how to physically protect themselves, and the confidence to do so, they will likely not be effective. The absolute best method for giving your child the capacity to physically defend themselves is to get them enrolled in a reputable Gracie Jiu-jitsu academy, which focuses on self-defense!

Why Jiu-jitsu?

Why is Jiu-jitsu the best solution?  Jiu-jitsu has a reputation for being one of the most effective martial arts in the world for realistic self-defense.  A big part of this is because of the training methodology, which includes "live" training or sparring with resistance.  Students become comfortable encountering physical resistance from their training partners, so it gives them a much more realistic expectation of what they are actually capable of, and the are less likely to panic in the heat of a realistic situation.  Also, because Jiu-jitsu focuses on the use of positional control and leverage based techniques rather than on brute force, it gives the smaller person the best opportunity to be effective in defending themselves against a larger, stronger adversary.  Anyone can learn the techniques of Jiu-jitsu, and with consistent practice, can learn to technically overcome a significant size or strength disparity.  In addition, with Jiu-jitsu being a grappling based art, students learn to control their opponent with minimal force, without having to injure them.  

Imagine a scenario where your kid gets into a fight with a bully at school.  Let's say that they are able to successfully fight off the bully by hitting them in the face with a good elbow strike.  Even if the technique is executed perfectly and effectively stops the bully, when the teacher shows up to break up the fight, the bully is the one laying on the ground, bleeding from the nose.  Even if your kid was in the right to defend themself, it doesn't look good.  However, if your child is able to simply take the bully down, get on top and use their body weight to simply control and subdue them without causing any injury, while keeping themselves safe, it is a much better situation for everyone involved.  This is the power that Jiu-jitsu creates.  Jiu-jitsu is the "Gentle Art"

What's the Solution?

The reality is, the phenomenon of bullying isn't going away.  The ONLY solution then, is to teach our kids how to effectively deal with the problem.  That means learning to stand up for themselves, both verbally, and if necessary, physically.  Teachers can intervene, but unfortunately, they can't be everywhere, all the time.  Often, the bullies know how to play the system, and will behave like perfect angels when teachers or other adults are present, but will continue to harass their victims relentlessly when there are no other adult role models around.  The only person who can actually put an end to the bullying then, is the victim themselves!  Kids need a systemic and structured approach for dealing with bullying, and that is exactly what the Bullyproof system is designed to give them.  The details of that system will be addressed in Part 2.

Part 2-The Solution

Bullying Prevention Strategies Part 2-The Solution

If you child is training in Gracie Jiu-jitsu, they already have the perfect resource to give them the self-defense skills necessary to deal with a physical assault, even against a larger, stronger adversary.  If they train consistently in the techniques of Jiu-jitsu, they will develop the ability to defend themselves effectively in most situations.  However, most bullying doesn't rise to the level of a physical altercation.  Kids need to also learn how to effectively deal with the most common non-physical bullying-verbal harassment, name calling, teasing, etc. This type of behavior constitutes the vast majority of bullying.  While little verbal jabs & insults can seem insignificant, over time the constant and relentless pestering of a bully can inflict serious emotional trauma on the victim. This can lead to a decrease in academic performance, fear of going to school, feelings of inadequacy, anxiety and depression, and in extreme cases has even led to cases of suicide, as the victims cannot get any relief and see no other way out.  Kids need a structured & systematic approach to dealing with verbal bullying, just as the techniques of Jiu-jitsu gives them to deal with physical altercations.  That is where the Bullyproof system comes in.  

The System

This method, based on the Gracie Bullyproof© program, which was developed over the years by the Gracie family, and organized by the Gracie Academy in Torrence, CA, implements the principles of Jiu-jitsu, to give students an effective and proven system to deal with bullying.  Like the physical techniques of Jiu-jitsu, with proper practice, it can give students the tools and confidence to be effective in standing up for themselves and putting an end to being a victim of bullying.  In addition to teaching kids how to be effective at dealing with verbal harassment, it also informs students of when & how it is ok to utilize the physical techniques of Jiu-jitsu in a self-defense situation, by establishing clear Rules of Engagement.

The Rules of Engagement

In order for a child to effectively deal with a bullying situation in a way that ensures they are using the physical techniques of Jiu-jitsu appropriately and righteously, it is imperative that they understand and abide by the Rules of Engagement.  These 5 rules should be memorized by the child, and reinforced by their parents to ensure that they are understood and implemented.  Jiu-jitsu is an art of self-defense.  The physical techniques of Jiu-jitsu give students an awesome super-power and huge physical advantage over those who are not trained.  The last thing that we want is for one of our Jiu-jitsu students to abuse this power, and use it inappropriately, thereby becoming the bully!  This is why the Rules of Engagement are so important to understand.

Rule #1-Avoid The Fight if At All Possible

Fighting is dangerous for everyone involved.  Furthermore, involvement in any type of physical confrontation in a school setting will most likely result in disciplinary action, possibly including suspension.  It is not an appropriate use of Jiu-jitsu to respond to verbal harassment or insults by initiating a physical altercation.  Jiu-jitsu should only be used as a self-defense method in response to the use or imminent use of physical force.

Rule #2-If You Are Physically Attacked, Defend Yourself

Every human being has an inherent right of self defense.  While it is never ok to start fights, it is also not ok to allow yourself to be physically abused by someone else.  All of us, including kids, not only have a right, but an obligation to protect ourselves against physical violence!  Just being a punching bag for a bully is not ok.  It will only exacerbate the problem in the future, and is not a guarantee of avoiding potential disciplinary action from the school.

Rule #3-If You are Verbally Attacked, Follow the 3 T's (Talk, Tell, Tackle)

These three steps, performed in order, are the key to helping kids stand up to verbal aggression and abuse. While each of these will be covered in more detail later, it is imperative to understand that in order for these to be effective, they MUST be backed up by the physical Jiu-jitsu skills and techniques which can ONLY be attained through consistent and dedicated training in a reputable Gracie Jiu-Jitsu program!

Rule #4-Avoid Striking the Bully Except as a Last Resort to Avoid Serious Injury; Establish Control & Negotiate

Jiu-jitsu is known as the Gentle Art. The beauty of Jiu-jitsu as a grappling based martial art, is the ability to effectively protect yourself and control your opponent in a rational and efficient way, without having to injure your assailant. Kids involved in a physical altercation should avoid the use of striking techniques, or any other technique designed to injure the bully.  The goal is to protect themselves and control the bully effectively with minimal force.  Punching or kicking the bully is likely to be ineffective and serve to only escalate the situation.  In addition, it will potentially cause more repercussions in the aftermath of the event.  Instead, students should rely on their Jiu-jitsu skills to put themselves in a position where they can negate the bully's ability to harm them, and use body position and leverage to control the bully, at which point they should verbally negotiate with the bully.  For example, if the student is able to takedown the bully and achieve full control of them in a dominant position, such as the mount, they should then say "Do you promise to leave me alone and stop bothering me?"  They should only let the bully go once they agree, or when an adult can intervene safely.

Rule #5-When Applying Submissions, Use Minimal Force & Negotiate

Submission holds in Jiu-jitsu (i.e. chokes & armlocks) are ultimately designed to force an attacker to willingly comply or give up.  While certain submission techniques can absolutely be used to injure if there is no other viable option, they can best be used in a bullying situation to simply control the bully, using minimal force, designed only to get compliance, never to cause injury!  Remember, typically, the bully is, or has been, a victim also.  Having empathy dictates that while it is never ok for a student to allow a bully to physically harm them, the ultimate goal is to resolve the situation with as little physical force as possible.  It is very possible, if handled correctly, that the bully and victim may ultimately even become friends after the incident!

These 5 Rules of Engagement set very clear guidelines for Jiu-jitsu students to properly and effectively deal with both the verbal and potentially physical aspects of a bullying situation.  Let's look further at the 3 T's referenced in Rule #3.

The Three T Steps (Talk, Tell, Tackle)

Talk

Talk to the bully.  This is often the hardest step for the victim of bullying, due to the perceived power dynamic.  So, like any skill, in order to be used effectively in the heat of the moment, it must be practiced repeatedly.  In many cases, if done correctly, this step alone may be enough to put a stop to the bullying. However, in order to be effective, it must be done with confidence and resolve! Kids must develop the confidence to verbally stand up to the bully, looking them directly in the eyes, and saying something like "Leave me alone!", or "Stop calling me names!", or "Don't ever do that again!" Tone and inflection are extremely important when verbally confronting the bully.  The phrase must be delivered in a very direct, very serious, but very calm and respectful way.  The body language that accompanies these words must also exude confidence. This takes practice!

How do students develop the confidence to stand up to the bully?  It cannot be stressed enough that the verbal techniques must be backed up by the knowledge and physical skills of Jiu-jitsu techniques, which come through consistent training.  They must negotiate from a position of power! With proper training, the physical techniques of Jiu-jitsu give students a super-power, that enable them to be easily control an untrained adversary, so there is nothing to be afraid of, should the situation escalate into a physical fight.  Jiu-jitsu is designed to give the student a distinct advantage, so if they are properly trained, and it comes down to a physical fight, they will win!

Just like the physical skills, the best ways for students to develop their confidence in verbally confronting the bully is through practice and repetition.  This is where parent involvement can be a huge help! Even if they don't train themselves and don't understand the physical techniques of Jiu-jitsu, parents are a great resource to help their kids practice this step through role-playing exercises. 

Tell

If verbally confronting the bully alone is not effective, and the bullying behavior continues, kids need to tell.  Tell an adult, whether it be a teacher, principal or other school administrator, parent, or all of the above.  An adult needs to be made aware of the situation, and be given the opportunity to intervene.  It is crucial that the adult actually talks directly to the bully.  If the student tells their teacher about the bullying behavior, and the teacher doesn't address it, go to another teacher, or to the principal.  They need to tell their parents, and then it is the parents responsibility at that point to follow through and ensure that an adult actually engages with the bully about their behavior.  Sometimes kids don't say anything because they are afraid that they will be labeled as a "tattle-tale".  However, this is much better than suffering in silence, potentially for years! If we keep in mind that the bullying behavior is just a symptom of the bully's own lack of confidence, attempting to resolve the situation by telling a responsible adult is actually helping the bully to learn to better deal with their own inner feelings of inadequacy and learn to interact more appropriately with others.

Tackle

If the bullying continues over days, weeks, or even months, after following the previous steps of Talk & Tell, the victim must take action! At this point, it is clear that the ONLY person who can successfully intercede to stop the bullying behavior is the victim themselves!  However, there is more to this step than it first appears.  It is never appropriate for a Jiu-jitsu student to use physical force just because they are angry or upset about being verbally antagonized.  So, they must use verbal Jiu-jitsu to mentally "tackle" the bully first!  This is done by confronting the bully with a very crucial and simple question:

"Are you challenging me to a fight?"

While this may seem confrontational, it is actually psychological warfare.  When confronted with this question, the power dynamic immediately shifts, as the bully is put into a very uncomfortable and unanticipated position.  They now have a choice to make, and must respond, either "yes" or "no".  In either case.....the victim wins!

Bullies seek out and prey on perceived weakness. They generally use mostly verbal intimidation to maintain their power & control over their victims.  Most of the time, they do not actually want to fight!  Most of the time, the answer to this question will be "no".  Usually, bullies target their victims in front of other kids, because it helps them to feel more powerful.  Once they are confronted directly with confidence, and they back down in front of others, their bluff has been called, and they will likely move on to an easier target, or even better, reassess their behavior overall.  Problem solved!

In the unlikely case that the bully says, or indicates that they do want to fight and they become physically aggressive, the Jiu-jitsu student already has the knowledge and skills to deal effectively with this situation.  If the bully charges them, tries to hit them, or exhibits and other type of physical aggression, the Jiu-jitsu student is fully within their rights at that point to use their techniques to defend themselves (following ROE #4 & #5).  They should use their techniques to gain physical control over the bully, using minimal force, and once they are under full control, they should verbally negotiate-"Do you promise to leave me alone and stop bothering me?" Once they agree, or, if a responsible adult intervenes, the student should safely let them up.  For someone who has never been physically controlled before, the feeling of panic and helplessness is overwhelming.  I can assure you that the bully will not want to experience that feeling again, and that will likely be the end of the bullying issue.  The student is not only protecting themselves, but also potentially any of the bullies future victims!

Sometimes, when confronted with this question, the bully may be caught off guard, embarrassed, or not know what to say.  They may attempt to "laugh it off" or otherwise not give a clear response.  Sometimes they may say something like, "Yeah, I do want to fight you.....but not right now."  In this case, an important follow up phrase should be used:

"I'm not afraid of you.  If you want to fight me, I'm ready.  Otherwise, leave me alone, and quit wasting my time!"

This conveys to the bully, very clearly, that the victim is not afraid. Fear is the cornerstone of the bully's power dynamic.  Without it, their efforts are useless.  In addition, looking the bully in the eye and delivering this line is VERY empowering to the victim! It is very likely that this will be the end of the bullying problem, without any fight ever taking place!

The Aftermath

It is extremely important for parents to convey to their child that they fully support their right to defend themselves if physically attacked!  Students need to understand that, as long as they follow the Rules of Engagement, they will not be in trouble with their parents, or with their Jiu-jitsu instructor.  However, in the age of "zero-tolerance" policies, there is no guarantee that they won't get in trouble with the school.  Parents should also be ready to advocate on behalf of their child to the school administration as well, in a very calm & respectful manner.  Both the student and parents should explain the steps that they took to try to stop the bullying problem and to avoid any physical fight.  Explain that they told the bully directly, several times to stop.  They then told the teacher and/or principal as well, and tried to get them to intervene, but that the bullying continued.  Explain that they understand the school policy about fighting, and that they did not want to fight the bully, but only acted in response to the bully initiating the physical confrontation in order to protect themselves.  And, explain that they did everything in their power to only control the bully and keep themselves safe, while trying not to injure the bully.  If done in this way, it is likely for the school administrator to see that the student in this case was a true victim of ongoing bullying that was not being handled effectively by any other means, and that they had no choice but to defend themselves.  The fact that they were able to neutralize the threat without injuring the bully should go a long way as well.  It is likely the student may then have no, or very minimal, disciplinary consequences.

If the student does face disciplinary action from the school, this needs to be taken in stride, and kept in perspective.  My advice is, if as a parent you feel that your child did the right thing and righteously stood up for themselves against a bully, and they are ultimately suspended from school for a day or two, make it a positive.  Turn it into a celebration.  It took a lot of courage for them to stand up to a bully, and fix the problem that the school administrators could not.  Let them enjoy having a couple days off, and do something fun with them as a reward!  They did a great job, and it is very likely they won't deal with bullying anymore, so it was well worth it!

Does Your Child Know How to Swim?

As parents, most of us recognize the importance of teaching our kids how to swim.  The ability to survive in the water is obviously a crucial life skill.  If you fall into the water without having that ability, you are not likely to survive.

Guess what?  The same is true with learning self-defense!  In today’s chaotic & often violent world, having the physical capacity & the mentality to defend yourself is an absolute must!  Bullying, including episodes of physical violence, in our schools are at an all-time high.  Of course, we all want our kids to avoid the fight if at all possible.  But the reality is, sometimes it is simply not avoidable.  Many parents, rightfully, tell their child that they can “fight back” & “stand up for themselves”…..and while I 100% agree with that sentiment, if you don't give your child the tools to know HOW to do that effectively, and they haven’t TRAINED CONSISTENTLY to deal with these types of situations, they are just being setup for failure.  

This is why I believe that learning Jiu-jitsu is an absolute MUST, especially for kids.  It gives them the physical skills & the confidence to be able to deal with a potentially violent encounter & effectively protect themselves.  And, Jiu-jitsu is the PERFECT self-defense art for kids! There are several reasons for this.  Because Jiu-jitsu is a grappling based art, students can SAFELY train with realistic resistance, so that they learn to develop more comfort in actual physical confrontations.  They are used to close contact in training, so they're more comfortable if someone puts their hands on them in a real-life encounter.  Additionally, unlike many other striking-based arts, Jiu-jitsu relies on utilizing positional control & leverage-based techniques, that gives students the ability to effectively defend themselves, even against a larger, stronger adversary, in a rational way, that doesn’t necessitate injuring the aggressor!  

Imagine this scenario:  Your child gets in a fight with the school bully….What is better….your child punching the bully in the nose--likely to only escalate the situation, particularly if the aggressor is larger;  Even if it is effective, there is likely to be blood everywhere & even in a justifiable self-defense situation, it just looks really bad.…OR, your child is able to take the bully down, use positional control to hold them down, and verbally negotiate with them, keeping themselves safe, until a teacher or other adult can intervene.  I think we would all agree the later is the better option.

And remember, bullies typically seek out the weakest targets.  So, the reality is, once your child has the physical skills & the confidence that goes along with it, they are much LESS likely to be targeted and ever have to physically defend themselves in the first place!

The self confidence that accompanies the development of realistic self defense skills is on of the greatest gifts that you can give your kids, equally important for their survival & well-being as learning how to swim. Invest in your child's future & give them skills that will be with them for a lifetime!  

How To Make Your Kid Quit Jiu-jitsu

So, you’ve become a “Jiu-jitsu parent”. Congratulations on making one of the absolute BEST investments in your child’s future & overall well-being!

I’m sure you’re happy to see your child put their gi on and step on the mat, and are excited to watch their progress so far!  I wanted to just take a moment to caution you about a common mistake that I’ve  seen many well-intentioned parents make that can inadvertently inhibit their child’s progress.

Naturally, every parent wants to see their child succeed and do well at whatever they do in life. Often, parents will want to “debrief” after Jiu-jitsu class, usually on the car ride home, and rehash all the details of every move that was learned, and go over their perceived notions about what their child “should have done” during sparring, what they did right, what they did wrong, etc.  Sometimes, they will insist that their child also practice their moves at home.  While I understand that this usually comes from a place of only the best of intentions, it can actually be detrimental to your child’s progress.  

Jiu-jitsu is hard, even for adults, and takes a while to really start to get figured out.  If you haven’t personally been on the mat in a Jiu-jitsu class, there is WAY more going on than what it appears as an outside observer.  

At our academy, we (and I hope you as well) are in this for the LONG TERM results!  Our main priority with our youth students, especially our younger ones, is to get them to love being on the mat & love Jiu-jitsu.  I don’t really care if an 8 year old has a perfect armbar….if they are still training at 18, they WILL! 

The best advice I can give to parents is to just get your child to Jiu-jitsu practice consistently, trust the instructors & the process, and just let them have the beginner’s experience and ENJOY training!  If they are pushed too hard, outside of class, training becomes a chore & a burden, and they are more likely to get burned out & want to quit.  Explain the importance of coming to class regularly (a couple times/week….at this age they don’t need to train 5-6 days/week) & encourage them if THEY want to practice on their own outside of the mat, but never force it.  During the ride home after class the best & ONLY questions to ask are: 

“Did you have fun?” 

and “Did you learn anything?”

…..and leave it at that!  

And….by all means, if you are allowed to sit in & observe your child’s Jiu-jitsu class, please DO NOT attempt to coach or otherwise interact with them during class. 

It is distracting to your child & the rest of the class, and disrespectful to the instructors.  Besides that, unless you actually have trained extensively yourself, you’re in no position to be giving out technical advice anyway. If you trust your child’s instructors (and I assume you do, because you’re paying them good money to teach your child), please let them do their job. Trust me, they want you to be involved, but not on the mat. They will let you know if they need you. 

If you REALLY want to be more involved, the absolute best way is to start training yourself! It is a great way to be able to share something really special with your child, and the best way for you to establish by your own example the importance of training. Many academies (such as ours) even have special “Family Classes” where you can train WITH your child under the qualified supervision & support of an instructor. 

Even if you can’t see it right away, if your child is showing up consistently, they ARE making progress!  In our program, students are only competing with themselves, and I strongly believe this is the best way, especially at a young age. I have seen many talented kids with all the potential in the world quit because they were pushed too hard, in too competitive an environment.  If you really want them to succeed long term, make Jiu-jitsu a very important part of their life….but not their whole life.  They still need to be kids!

Leadership & Helping Newer Students

Every one of us was once the new guy (or girl) on the mat.  If you're still that person, congratulations on making one of the best decisions of your life.....keep going.  You won't be the new guy for long!  This post is directed to those of you who have kept showing up, class after class, year after year, and one day you look down and see that blue, purple, brown or even black cloth around your waist that once seemed unimaginable and that you thought you would never achieve.  You now find yourself in the position of being one of the upper ranks and taking on more of a leadership role within the academy.  In general, blue belts are still relative newbies in Jiu-jitsu.  But even achieving this first belt promotion is a huge step.  Your primary focus at blue belt should still be on your own development.  However, depending upon the size of your academy and how established the program is, even at this level, you may find yourself taking on more of a leadership role, and becoming a mentor for the newer white belts.  At purple belt & beyond, you will definitely start to embrace this role even more, whether you want to acknowledge it or not.  It is simply a reality that the newer students will look to you for guidance and support.  Being a leader on the team isn't always easy, and it does come with some responsibility.....but it shouldn't be overwhelming either.  So how can you embrace this role successfully and help those around you in a way that benefits both of you and the entire team?

I think the first thing that a good leader needs to do is to be a good follower.  Lead by example.  The newer students are watching you, and they will learn much more from your actions, than from your words.  It is always more effective and authentic to show & inspire others, rather than to tell them how to do it.  Be the person that you want those new white belts to become.   The leaders on the team are the ones who set and maintain a high standard on & off the mat, and encourage others to do the same.  It is extremely important, at every level, to always still be a student.  None of us have it all figured out.  We are all walking the same path, some of us just started before others. The best way to be a good leader is to strive to be a great student.  None of us are perfect, so it is important to frequently, and honestly, evaluate our own performance.  Are you coming to class consistently?  Do you show up just to open mats and sparring, or are you showing up for instruction & drilling, including fundamentals classes? Are you the person that shows up consistently late & misses the warm ups, or are you the first one to step on the mat and take advantage of the extra time to drill and review?  Are you the first one out the door after class, or do you hang out to get a few extra reps, get one extra round, ask questions, & help clean the mats after class?  What's your attitude like?  Do you portray an air of positivity & helpfulness?  Do you really pay attention to the details during instruction and really try to understand even the most basic techniques at a higher level, or do you just go through the motions because you "already know it"?  Do you take advantage of drilling time to really get some good quality reps in with high attention to detail, or do you spend more of your time socializing?  How is your posture/composure/etiquette on the mat?  How do you conduct yourself outside of the mat?  Are you a good representative of your academy? Do you truly try to live the Jiu-jitsu lifestyle, pay attention to good health habits, & try to be a positive influence in your community?  All of us slip up from time to time, but what's important is that we are always trying to hold ourselves accountable and striving to be better versions of ourselves.  I think that this is by far, the most important attribute of a good leader!

As you start to gain some experience on the mat, you find the newer students looking to you for help & advice.  Some people are very comfortable with taking on this role (sometimes too much so....remember, be a student FIRST).  Others may not feel comfortable at all.  Every academy is different and every instructor has different expectations.  These are some general guidelines to help you navigate this responsibility, but remember to always check with your specific instructor as to how these may apply to your situation.

Be a Mentor

For many people, just walking through the door to a Jiu-jitsu academy and getting on the mat for the first time can be overwhelming & intimidating.  You might have had that same feeling the first time that you stepped on the mat.  Hopefully, someone took care of you and made you feel welcome on your first day.  Help the new student to feel comfortable.  Be proactive.  Go up to them and introduce yourself, help show them how to get on the mat and how to tie their belt.  These little things go a long way towards that person coming back and hopefully eventually developing the same passion for Jiu-jitsu that you have.  Find a new white belt and take them under your wing.  Show some genuine interest in their development.  You will both benefit from it.  Give them a call or send them a message and check up on them periodically, particularly if you haven't seen them in class lately.  If you've been on the mat for a while, you know how easy it can be to fall out of the habit of training, and that little extra motivation can sometimes make all the difference in someone sticking with Jiu-jitsu for the long term.  Seek out the white belts.  They are the life blood of any successful academy.  If you treat them well and take care of them, they have the potential to become one of your best training partners one day.  Make it your responsibility to make them good at Jiu-jitsu, so that they can, in turn, push on you and help you to be better!  

Help the White Belts

In our academy, I expect for all of our blue belts & above to seek out the white belts during fundamentals classes and help them. If possible, every white belt should be working with one of the more experienced students.  I don't like to see two blue or purple belts working together in these classes, when there are white belts paired up together.  For the newer white belts, it is the blind leading the blind, and this can lead to a lot of confusion & frustration.  In the advanced classes, the upper belts should absolutely pair up together.  However, fundamentals classes are more geared towards the beginners, and by helping them try to understand these basic techniques, the more advanced students will often find that they start to understand these positions better as well.

Go First

During drilling, the upper rank should always go first.  Hopefully, as the person with more experience on the mat, they will have a better general understanding of how to get through the technique.  This gives the newer student the opportunity to see and feel the movement a few more times, before stumbling their way through it.  The best way for them to learn the move is for you to show it to them by actually doing it.  Make sure to get an adequate number of reps (preferably at least 5 times) before switching.  

Don't Re-Teach the Move

This is an easy trap to fall into with the best of intentions....but it's not helping your partner.  The instructor has just spent the last 5 minutes teaching and demonstrating the move for the entire class, and then tells the students to pair up and rep it out.  The upper belt then spends the next 5-10 minutes re-teaching the move to their partner, explaining what they believe to be the important details, and then there is no time left to actually practice the move.  If you have a good instructor, they already explained it sufficiently.  You may be aware of details of the move that the instructor didn't show.  Do you think it's because they forgot or they don't know?  There is a reason that they didn't explain these details yet.  Especially with newer students, less is more.  Don't waste time re-explaining the move, just get the reps.  Lead by example and go first.  Sometimes, you will have a partner who encourages this by asking a lot of questions right off the bat.  It is tempting to want to explain everything to them, but the best way is to say, "here, let me show you", and start repping the move, and encouraging them to do the same.  It is likely once they make it through the move a few times, they will already answer their own questions.  You can make minor adjustments as you go, but the white belts need reps, not theory.

Be a Good Training Partner

White belts don't have a perspective yet on what Jiu-jitsu is.  It is all very overwhelming and chaotic in the beginning.  In order for a new student to become proficient at a technique, they must first establish a connection to it, and believe in it.  It is important for them to have some success with the technique early on.  This will encourage them to keep working on it and making small improvements.  If they can't get the technique to work, at least reasonably well, in the early stages, they are likely to just get frustrated and think that the technique is ineffective or unimportant, and this will directly affect their enthusiasm for learning the technique.  Sometimes, you have to do the move for them.  Think about it like spotting someone when lifting weights.  In the beginning, you may be holding most of the weight.  Gradually, as they perfect their form and become more comfortable, you are less and less involved, to the point where they are holding most of the weight.  This is the same process in learning Jiu-jitsu.  You have to guide their movements, so that they can get through the move from start to finish somewhat correctly.  If you do it right, your partner may not even be aware that you are helping them.  It is important for them to feel what it feels like to get the movement right.  As they get more reps and become more comfortable, you do less of the work for them, until they can do it on their own, smoothly, from start to finish.  It is important that you are also aware of creating the right situation for the move.  You have to create the appropriate posture & energy for the move to be successful, without giving resistance!  Resistance can be gradually added later, once the student is very familiar and comfortable with the move.

Be very aware of your partner's safety.  Most injuries in Jiu-jitsu can be prevented through experience and awareness.  Unfortunately, the most likely time for a student to take an injury is early in their training, before they have developed this mat awareness and sensitivity.  A serious injury taken early in the process of learning Jiu-jitsu will likely result in that student never getting back on the mat.  It is your responsibility to protect your partner.  Make sure that they know how and when to tap.  Make sure that they are very comfortable with how to breakfall before doing any type of throwing technique.  Make sure that they know how to properly drop into base before loading any weight for throws.  Be aware of your space on the mat to avoid incidental contact by or with those around you.  Encourage your partner to go slow, stay relaxed, and not rely on trying to force techniques through too much muscle.

In our academy, we don't allow brand new students to participate in live sparring until they get a few classes under their belts and have some idea of what they are doing.  When you're working with a new student in live training, remember that your goal is to teach them, not to smash them.  We all probably remember that helpless feeling of drowning the first time we ever did any live sparring in Jiu-jitsu with an upper rank.  There is a delicate balance of giving the newer students the experience of the power of what Jiu-jitsu is, and making sure that they have a positive experience so that they want to get back on the mat again.  As they get comfortable moving on the mat, you can let them drown a little bit, but you have to throw them the life ring! Focus on specific positional sparring in the beginning, to narrow the focus and take some of the chaos out of the equation (simply passing the guard, or maintaining the mount, for example), and try to give just enough resistance that your partner starts to get the feel for live training, while guiding them and helping them to make adjustments.  Again, safety is paramount.  Keep the pace slow, and the intensity low.  New students don't yet know how to move to protect themselves, so you have to make sure that 1) they are kept under control so that they don't hurt you, and 2) you protect them from hurting themselves. 

Respect the White Belt Experience

With more time on the mat, your perspective and your understanding of Jiu-jitsu changes.  Things that you find simple, almost mindless, like shrimping and standing up in base are actually very challenging and complex movements to a beginner.  It is not fair to expect the newer white belt to have your understanding of what Jiu-jitsu is.  Despite their best efforts and intentions, they just can't.  Allow them to have the white belt experience.  Stick with the fundamentals and keep it simple.  While newer students may be enthralled with more flashy looking techniques, they must develop their foundation first, in order to be capable of understanding these more complex movements later.  Encourage them to stick with the basics and to learn them well.  They don't need a lot of variations.  Simple is better.  You may have a personal variation that you prefer to use, that you have developed through your own experience on the mat.  It doesn't mean that your way of applying the move is wrong, but if everyone shows the new white belt a slightly different way to do, for example, a basic armbar, it becomes even more difficult for them to learn how to do it.  They need consistency & repetition.  Save your more advanced techniques and personal variations for the advanced classes or open mat time when working with other students at your level.  

In our academy, we start every fundamentals class with a short review period, for students to pair up and review the techniques that they have been going over in recent classes.  Hopefully, the upper belts are already seeking out the new white belts to work with during this time.  However, it should be kept in mind that this is a review time, NOT a time to teach them new moves.  Ask them what they remember going over recently in class, and help them to get some good reps in.  Even if they only remember one or two moves, just get some good reps and review what they already know.  It is tempting to want to start teaching them all of the other moves that you know, but if you show them 3 or 4 new techniques, they are already mentally tapped out before the actual class instruction even starts.  It is just not possible for a new student to learn and retain 8-10 new moves in a single training session.  Review what they already know, and this will set a good foundation for them to add a couple new techniques during class.

Be a Good Representative of Your Academy/Team

Be an advocate for your training partners and an active participant in your team and academy.  Show up to class consistently and with a great attitude.  Spread the word about your academy and encourage your friends to come in and try it out.  If you find it beneficial, chances are some of them may too.  If you really believe in the positive benefits of training Jiu-jitsu, why would you keep that from your friends and family?  Participate in seminars, special events, get togethers outside of training.  Show up to support your teammates who are competing in tournaments, even if you're not.  It is up to you how much you choose to be involved in the team, but I promise that every bit of energy that you put into the team will come back to you many times over.  Most importantly, remember that you represent yourself, your instructor, your academy, and your team on & off the mat, so conduct yourself accordingly and be the type of person that your team is proud to have representing them.  Lead by example!

Jiu-Jitsu vs. Seasonal Sports/Activities

Parents, listen up, this one is for you!  It's that time of year again, when seasonal sports for youth are getting started up.  As a Jiu-Jitsu instructor, it is not uncommon for me to hear parents say something to the effect of..."We have (insert random activity baseball, soccer, football, etc) coming up, so we're going to take a break from Jiu-Jitsu..."  Kids, are naturally impulsive and sometimes, once something becomes routine, they become "bored" and are ready to move onto the next thing.  The culture of most youth sports & activities encourages this mentality.  There are so many different sports & activities for kids these days, and most of  them are “seasonal”.  You do one activity for a few months, and then move on to the next.  However, as with MOST things in life, consistency is the key to long-term success.

Getting your child involved in training Jiu-jitsu is absolutely one of the best things that you can do for their overall well-being & long term development.  However, if you are going to put your child in a martial art, such as Jiu-Jitsu, it is important that you understand that it is NOT just another random sport, hobby, or activity.  Jiu-Jitsu is an art, a skill, and a lifestyle! So you need to make sure to set your, and your child's expectations accordingly.   Hopefully, you spent the time, prior to enrolling them, to really research and understand what Jiu-Jitsu is and what their training will entail.  There is nothing wrong with participating in other sports.  It is good to be well-rounded, and to experience many things.  And to be sure, there are benefits in participating in all of these types of activities.  We have many of our youth students who also participate in other sports and activities as well.  The key, just like on the mat, is finding BALANCE.  This is why I recommend for most kids to train only 2-3 days/week.  It helps to keep them from getting burned out, and allows time to participate in other activities if they so choose.  However, I do not believe in doing these other activities at the exclusion of Jiu-jitsu training!  Usually, there is a way to do both.  Even getting in to train only once/week, during the sports season, is so much better than not at all.  It keeps them engaged with the group & in the habit of training.

Taking your child out of training, in order to attend these other activities is doing them a huge disservice.  Extended absences from the mat break the momentum of training, and the longer a student is off the mat, the harder it is realistically, for them to come back with any consistency.  Children are conditioned, due to the culture of most of these types of seasonal sports to always move on to the next thing when the season is over, or when they get a little bored.  Jiu-J\jitsu doesn't work that way.  We don't have an off season.  To really gain the true benefits of training in a martial art like Jiu-jitsu requires long-term commitment, which, by the way, is also one of it's great benefits!  It teaches persistence, consistency, and perseverance, among its many other lessons.  While other sports are fun & do offer some benefits as well, unless you truly believe that your kids is going to grow up to be a professional athlete, no other sports or activities offer the type of long term, lifetime benefit that training in the art of Jiu-Jitsu does, in my opinion.

Jiu-Jitsu is focused around the development of essential life skills.  The ability to physically  defend yourself, and the self-confidence that goes along with it, is something that I believe is an absolute must in this day and age.  Everyone needs to have the ability to protect themselves, and developing the skill set to effectively do this under the stress of a real-life encounter is no easy task.  It is not something that you will develop over a few days, weeks, or even months.  It takes YEARS of consistent training to really be effective, and even then, all of these are perishable skills which will diminish significantly if not trained repetitively enough to develop the appropriate automatic reflexive responses.  The key to this skill development is consistency over the long term.  It is simply not possible to gain this benefit from short term, or inconsistent training.  However, for those who put in the time and effort, these skills will always be with you.  While it may not seem that a 6 or 7 year old child can develop real, lasting physical self-defense skills, my experience through the years is that those children who start training at a young age and continue into adulthood are absolutely phenomenal technicians, and are generally FAR above their peers who only started training as an adult.

In addition to the lifelong physical benefits, there are so many other added fringe benefits to consistent training.  Obviously, there is a physical fitness component to training.  But, more than that, students are developing confidence; learning how to overcome and deal with adversity; learning to stay calm & composed and to solve problems under pressure; increasing physical & mental toughness & perseverance; developing important positive character traits & cultivating healthy lifestyle habits; managing stress; and learning to set and work towards goals.  Jiu-jitsu contributes to the overall optimization of a students physical, mental, and emotional well being. Jiu-Jitsu is training for life!  

It is important to understand the perspective that, as much as we want students to have fun and enjoy their time on the mat, the primary purpose of training is education, not entertainment.  It is common sometimes, once the "newness" starts to wear off,  for students to put up some resistance when it is time to go to class.  However, my experience is that, in the vast majority of cases, once the student gets through the door and gets on the mat, they have a great time & leave with a smile on their face. Sometimes kids don't want to go to school either.  But as parents, we understand the importance of school for their long term development. As much as going to school is important for their intellectual development, Jiu-Jitsu training also gives students the physical, mental, and emotional capacity to thrive in today's world as they grow into adulthood.  For me, they are both EQUALLY important.  Remember, as a parent, your kids don't have the option to quit training Jiu-Jitsu anymore than they have the option to quit going to school.  Only the parents can quit!  If you have made the decision to get them involved in a martial art such as Jiu-Jitsu because you believe it is beneficial to them, it is incumbent upon you to make the commitment to make sure that they get to class on a regular basis, and support their training over the long term.  Do other activities as your schedule allows, but make their Jiu-jitsu training a PRIORITY.  You are investing in your child's future and with consistent long-term training, they will reap the benefits, and one day will thank you for not allowing them to quit training!

Loyalty, Family, & Training Outside of Your Academy

In many Jiu-jitsu academies throughout the world, you will often hear members refer to their academy and teammates as their mat "family".  There is a lot of truth to this sentiment.  Spending hours on the mat together with our training partners sweating, sometimes bleeding, and pushing on each other to get better can very quickly develop strong bonds that can last a lifetime!  These social relationships that we develop on the mat are extremely important for our longevity in an art as difficult as Jiu-jitsu.  Often it is the support and encouragement that we receive from our teammates that keeps us coming back during the tough days, when we're dealing with frustration, confusion, injuries, or plateaus.  The social structure of Jiu-jitsu is often the glue that holds us together, even when we want to quit, and truly does create these type of familial bonds.  

The truth is EVERYONE who joins an academy has the opportunity to become part of the "family"....but not all will.  It is everyone's responsibility to help make everyone else feel at home and comfortable on the mat, particularly the newer students.  Walking through the doors of a Jiu-jitsu academy can be very intimidating.  So it is incumbent on the more experienced students to help the new students adapt to this environment.  But, ultimately, it is up to the individual student whether they choose to be part of the family.  The relationships you develop with your instructors and teammates inside the academy are very much determined by your own attitude.  And, contrary to popular belief, you don't have to be an experienced student or an upper belt.  Of course there is always a "feeling out" process in every social relationship, but it really takes a very short time to become part of the inner circle of the academy.  For the most part, all you have to do is be open to it.  If you're a little bit on the introverted side, don't worry.  Everyone in the academy is there to help you succeed, and really wants you to become part of the family. It doesn't mean you have to try to change your personality, but a big part of Jiu-jitsu training is learning to  push past your comfort zone.  I can't speak for every team or academy, but all it really takes is to show up consistently, have good mat etiquette and follow the rules, trust in the process, have a humble and respectful attitude, and do your best to try to help yourself, your teammates, and the academy.  Take ownership of YOUR academy and treat it as such.  It is a mutually beneficial relationship.  You get out of the experience what you put into it.  Of course, if you just treat the academy as some type of gym membership, and have the attitude that you just show up to train and come and go as you please, you will likely miss out on the many benefits of being part of that inner family circle.  But, if instead, you adopt the attitude, much like the famous JFK quote, "Ask not what your academy/team can do for you, ask what you can do for your academy", the benefits will come back to you many times over.  When you invest personally in the growth and development of your academy and your teammates, you are really investing in yourself! If your goals are in line with the culture of the academy, you will thrive.  If they are not, you may need to reassess why you're training, and make sure that you are at the academy that is right for you.

Loyalty is a word that gets thrown around a lot in the Jiu-jitsu community.  And it is often a very controversial and loaded concept.  Loyalty is very important, but I think that it is often misunderstood.  Loyalty is a two-way street.  You shouldn't have blind loyalty to your academy, your instructor, or your team because it is demanded of you.  You have loyalty because you want to.  True loyalty is easy, because it is based upon mutual respect and gratitude.  You are loyal because you are family, and families are supposed to take care of each other!  Like any family, problems will sometimes arise, and there may be disagreements.  It doesn't mean that you will necessarily always see eye to eye on everything.  But, it does mean that you care enough about each other to honestly communicate, try to help each other out, and help to hold each other accountable.  

There is a common term in Jiu-jitsu circles, called "creonte" in Portuguese.  Roughly translated, it means "traitor". This negative term, generally credited to have been coined by Carlson Gracie Sr., is based upon a character in a Brazilian soap opera who was disloyal.  Some have the mentality that once you belong to a team, you're part of that team, no matter what, and there is never a good reason to leave or go to another team.  It is easy to understand this mindset is developed.  As an instructor or teammate, if you have personally invested a lot of time and energy in a student, and they leave, it is easy to take it personally, and it can make you not want to invest that same effort in the next student until they have "proved" their loyalty.  However, I don't agree with this mentality. I don't believe that this is a positive type of relationship.  You should have a mutually beneficial relationship with your academy/instructor.  

Sometimes, there are legitimate reasons to leave a particular instructor or academy, or to change teams.   People move, people's life circumstances change.  It may turn out that that academy is not a good fit for you, or you are not a good fit for the team.  However, when you run into the guy who is a 12 year blue belt, because they have changed teams as often as they change their underwear, that is also a problem.  No reputable academy is going to just throw a belt on someone, regardless of skill level, until they get to know that person.  I can say that, as far as our team, your technical ability is extremely important, particularly as you get into the upper ranks.  However, equally, if not more important is your personal character.  And it takes time, often years, to really get to know someone's character.  Find an academy that fits with your own personal goals, and put down some roots.  Make it your home, and you will quickly become part of the family. Be loyal to your academy and your team, not because it is forced upon you, but because you want to!

This leads me to another controversial topic that sometimes comes up, which is training outside of your academy or team.  Maybe you have a friend training at another academy in town, or the location or schedule is more convenient on certain days.  Maybe it is even just training with some other people who may or may not be part of your academy, on your own, outside of regular training times.  This is not an easy topic, but I will give you my opinion on it. Ultimately, it comes down to loyalty and how much you value your relationship with your team and instructor.  There is certainly value in seeing Jiu-jitsu from other perspectives.  No one has all the answers.  There are times that you may find yourself training with people from another team or academy occasionally.  Jiu-jitsu students should not be like a motorcycle gang, blindly fighting for the patch on their back!  There are other great people in Jiu-jitsu who may train in other academies, and it is good to develop positive relationships with likeminded people within the Jiu-jitsu community.  

Going to seminars or training at another academy while traveling out of town can be great ways to meet and interact with other people outside of your team in the Jiu-jitsu community, and get to train with people that you don't see on a regular basis.  It will often give you a different perspective on Jiu-jitsu.  They can be very valuable resources of information as well.  But,  there is a right and wrong way to go about it.   I have always encouraged my students to take their gi with them if they are traveling, and try to drop in to visit another academy when out of town.   I have frequently encouraged my students to attend seminars with other instructors.  For me personally, it has generally led me to appreciate the people and the training environment that I have even more, and to be grateful for my own team and instructor.   In any case, if you plan to attend a seminar or visit another academy, the best course of action is to  give your instructor  the courtesy of speaking to them first.  They may be able to point you in the right direction of a good seminar or good academy to visit, and often may have personal relationships with other instructors that can be beneficial to you.  

Training while you are traveling out of town and can't train with your own team is one thing.  Training at another local academy can be tricky.  Sometimes there may be a structured open mat event, or maybe the entire team will get together with another team for a special inter-team training day.  This is the best way.  But for individual students, particularly without the knowledge and consent of their instructor, to just go  and train at another academy in the area can be a potential problem.  Showing up in pictures on social media randomly training with another team can leave a bad taste in the mouth of your instructor and teammates.  Some may make the argument that you pay your tuition, and it is nothing more than a business transaction, and that you should have the right to go and train anywhere that you please.  And yes, you do "have the right", but that doesn't make it the "right thing to do".  Of course, everyone has free will, but keep in mind there are always consequences to your choices.  

For many instructors, this type of thing can bring into question your loyalty to the team, and could potentially lead them to dismiss you from the program entirely.  But even if that isn't the case, it doesn't go unnoticed.  You are, by your actions, potentially putting a strain on the relationship with your entire team, and, even if you remain at the academy, you can quickly find yourself outside of that inner family "circle of trust".  Again, if you look at your membership to your Jiu-jitsu academy like you do a Gold's Gym, you will likely get similar treatment. If you are the guy (or girl) who wants to just bounce around and train everywhere, and never really commit to any academy or program, don't be surprised when you're still that blue belt 10 years later.  Some academies may allow you to train with them, but you will always be treated as a "visitor" and not as family.  The instructor is not likely to make the extra effort and put in the extra time for someone who is openly choosing to train at what could be one of their direct competitors.  If your loyalty is in question with your instructor, you are not likely to go far with that team.  

I have had students in the past inquire occasionally about going to visit at another academy.  I will never tell anyone that they can't train somewhere else.  That is not my place.  For an instructor to "forbid" you from training elsewhere is a sign of insecurity.  However, I will inquire about "why" you may feel the need to train somewhere else, what you seek to gain from it, and warn of some of the potential pitfalls.  Personally, I want you to be exposed to as much Jiu-jitsu as you can, and I have enough confidence in our program that I'm not worried about you leaving the team to go somewhere else.  If you decide another academy is a better fit for you, for whatever reason, it is probably best for both of us that you go that direction.  Whether a student ultimately decides to follow through on going to train somewhere else after our conversation, I do always appreciate that they came to me to ask first.  If you feel that there is a valid reason that you need to go (on occasion) to train somewhere other than your home mat, have a conversation with your instructor. 

Another thing to consider, whenever you are visiting another academy, or training with people outside of your team, is that they also are not necessarily invested in you, like your own teammates are!  If you are training in a good environment, your training partners should be just as interested in your success as their own.  Each person on the team has the job of trying to help their teammates to learn and become better, so that they in turn become even better training partners.  This means, not only helping each other to learn in a spirit of cooperation, but looking out for each other's well-being on the mat.  Your teammates should be taking care of you and  (hopefully) are not going to be cranking on your arm without giving you adequate opportunity to tap out.  Because they realize that if they injure you, that is one less training partner available for them to work with.  However, you may not get this type of treatment in an unfamiliar environment outside of the team, and in some cases, could even encounter an atmosphere of hostility.  So proceed with caution.

One final issue along these lines that can be problematic is that of training with your teammates outside of the academy.  Everyone has their favorite training partners that they really enjoy working with in class.  That is natural.  The problem is when "cliques" start to develop within the team....certain people ONLY want to work with other people all the time.  Often this can happen in the intermediate ranks, as people start to develop their own styles and personalities on the mat.  There is nothing wrong with getting some extra drilling or training with some of your training partners outside of normal class times, as long as your instructor approves it.  It does become a problem however, when gradually, you start showing up to the academy less, stop attending regular classes less, and start to become the guy who just shows up for open mat, or just wants to roll.  You would rather just train on your own with a couple of your teammates outside of the academy, or outside of normal class times, and essentially begin running your own "academy" with your instructors students, and without the benefit of their guidance and direction.  I don't think any instructor will mind their students getting in "extra" training, as long as they do it the right way....but make sure you're still showing up regularly and doing your part to be part of the team as a whole.  

Sometimes, there is good reason for an instructor not to allow this type of training outside of structured classes.  For example, in our academy, we require that new students attend a certain number of Fundamentals classes before they begin to participate in live sparring.  This is for good reason.  Without having at least a basic understanding of positions and techniques, new students inevitably rely on physicality, and end up going too fast, using too much strength and power, in unfamiliar positions and ultimately, in many cases may end up getting injured.  As just one example, I had a student a while back who was very new to Jiu-jitsu and had only attended a handful of classes.  Like many students, they wanted to "test out" their Jiu-jitsu and, despite being warned against it, insisted on getting involved with sparring at 100% intensity, with people outside of the team who, themselves, had a very limited amount of training.  Long story short, they ended up getting caught in an armbar and breaking their arm, and they no longer train Jiu-jitsu.  Don't be like the typical teenager who "knows better" than their parents, and pushes back despite their well-intended guidance.  Trust your instructor, they have your well-being at heart!  

Ultimately, YOU are important to your team.  Every individual on the mat, whether they are a complete beginner, or an experienced student, has a role to play. If you are not in class, either because you just didn't show up, or because you chose to train elsewhere, the whole team misses out on the opportunity to benefit from training with you.  Everyone has something to add to the group, and the more training partners we all have, the more the team benefits.  If you are new, and you're not sure exactly where you fit in yet, that is ok.  Just keep showing up.  Choose to be an active part of helping your team to grow stronger and more unified,  and you will likely develop some of the best, longest lasting friendships, and reap great benefits from being part of your mat family!